Episode 09 – The Youngest Hero

In which Caz tries and fails to be as irritating as Orko.

Remember Grot the gardener from Attack on Onnor? Well, turns out I didn’t waste my time in introducing him, because here he is again. Today, he’s bringing a basket of fruit to Drissy, who laughs like a loon when she receives them. This unprovoked merriment doesn’t continue for long, of course, because true to the episode’s title, Caz lumbers up and moans that he never does anything exciting, so he wants to join the Primus Space Force to fight the Mutants.

Youngest 1
Grot: “If you genuinely think this fruit is that funny, it’s no wonder you’re kept out here away from sane people.”

Drissy and Grot don’t give Caz any encouragement whatsoever, but he still decides to run off to submit his application to Hydron. While he’s in the launch bay, an alarm goes off, alerting Hydron and Flipshot to an imminent attack by the Mutants, so they – along with He-Man – leap into action defending Primus.

The Mutant attack is orchestrated by Flogg and Slush Head; Skeletor remains behind on Denebria, inexplicably creating clones of himself and dancing with them. Soon enough, he gets bored of this really weird behaviour, and teams up with Quake to conquer Primus behind Flogg’s back. This is one of the best ideas Skeletor’s had in a long time, since He-Man and co. defeat Flogg with ease. Skeletor’s attack, by contrast, goes pretty well, at least to start with. He begins by turning his ship into a very bright light, thus blinding (presumably temporarily) anyone who looks at it.

It’s at this point that Caz has a really good idea, or at least the sort of idea that Orko would think is a good idea. He nicks an attack fighter and takes off, intending to tackle Skeletor’s ship all by himself. Naturally, he completely fails, and gets himself captured, a turn of events which leads Skeletor to laugh so much I thought he was having a seizure.

Youngest 2
Quake: “First Drissy, now you. Why is everyone laughing so much today?”

Skeletor takes Caz off to the Mutant mothership and infects him with some kind of virus – and given the current state of the world, I think it would be more sensitive if I don’t make any jokes about that. Skeletor contacts Prince Adam and Master Sebrien to offer to bring Caz home if the shield is lowered, terms to which they rather unexpectedly agree. Even more unexpectedly, once Caz is delivered, Skeletor departs, leading me to suspect that his plan involves Caz infecting everyone else with this virus.

The scientists attempt to cure Caz, but are unsuccessful, so He-Man contacts Skeletor to request the antidote. Skeletor – who is behaving in a smarmily reasonable manner this week – agrees, on condition that He-Man hand over his sword. A rendezvous is arranged, at which Skeletor cures Caz, and He-Man does indeed surrender the sword.

Youngest 3
Drissy: “Hey! Personal space! At least 6 metres!”

Skeletor’s next step, of course, is to attack He-Man, at which point Grot leaps into action, stealing the sword back from Quake. Caz throws a rock at Skeletor, which will no doubt earn him lavish and excessive praise at the end of the episode, after which Skeletor brings that stupid clone of his back into play. This doesn’t deter He-Man for one minute; we saw in Here, There, Skeletors Everywhere that he’s more than capable of dealing with 58 thousand clones of Skeletor, so just two isn’t going to stop him.

Predictably, He-Man wins, with very minor assistance from Grot, and Skeletor and Quake do their traditional runner. Less predictably, no one even mentions the rock that Caz threw, so I was wrong there. Instead, He-Man delivers a little lecture about how the strongest person doesn’t always win and that knowledge can be as powerful as a sword. Caz listens attentively, then flicks V signs at He-Man’s back as he ponces off.

Youngest 4
Caz: “Yeah, TBH I’ve decided I don’t really want to be like you after all.”

 

In today’s adventure…

There was definitely going to be a moral this time, since it started to play, but whoever uploaded this episode to YouTube evidently didn’t feel the moral was an integral part of the episode. They were probably right, given the tangential and downright insane morals we’ve seen lately. I’m going to give the episode the benefit of the doubt and say that the moral was probably about not looking directly at the sun, given the blinding light that Skeletor’s ship gave off.

 

Character checklist

Hmm, now, let me see – there was Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Caz, Drissy, Grot, Elcon, Meldock, Gepple, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake, two other Mutants, and some other dudes. I think that covers it.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Again, there’s no need, since on both occasions, Adam is only in the company of Master Sebrien when the time comes to transform.

Youngest 5
He-Man: “Okay, if it bothers you, I’ll try not to do this pose again.”

 

Insults

Flogg says that Skeletor is “not a true Mutant”, which is definitely meant as an insult, even though sensible folk like you or I would not take it as such. Otherwise, Elcon implies that Gepple is a “scatterbrain”, and that’s it. This series is pretty sparse on the insults.

 

Does it have the Power?

My conclusion about this series, after nine episodes, is that it is only any good at all because of Skeletor, who is brilliantly written. This week, as ever, he is completely barking mad, and really very entertaining, lighting up any scene in which he features. The rest of the episode is very much take it or leave it, though it is worth noting that Caz doesn’t even come near Orko levels of irritating. Even the scientists manage to tone it down a bit this time. Let’s settle for calling this an average affair, and that there are undoubtedly many episodes that are worse.

Episode 08 – Glastnost Schmaznost

In which He-Man doesn’t need a space suit.

Master Sebrien, He-Man and Mara receive a message from the Galactic Council, inviting them to attend a peace summit with the Mutants. Skeletor, Flogg and Slush Head receive the selfsame message, but of course they immediately determine to use the summit to indulge in some brainless shenanigans. And so off they all go to the peace conference.

There follows a really quite bizarre scene in which He-Man and Skeletor sit down in the Galactic Council’s debating chamber, where Skeletor presents himself as genuinely desiring peace. To prove the point, he appoints a new Ambassador for Peace: this turns out to be Slush Head, carrying a bunch of balloons and wearing a very smart suit and bow tie. He-Man speaks for me and probably the entire audience when he proclaims, “This is ridiculous.”

Glasnost 1
Slush Head: “Hi, adoring fans.”

As the peace process continues, Mara begins to genuinely believe that Skeletor and the Mutants are seeking peace, and is further convinced of this when Skeletor saves her from an assassination attempt. Of course, Skeletor has staged the assassination attempt, but Mara doesn’t know that. This is enough to persuade the Galactic Council that Skeletor is sincere, and they agree that Primus and Denebria should exchange ambassadorial delegations, headed by He-Man and Skeletor.

When Skeletor arrives on Primus, he lands his ship directly above the underground city of Onnor, and begins preparations to blow the council chamber up. In the meantime, He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot land on Denebria, where they are welcomed by Slush Head, who is sufficiently moronic to inform them immediately that Skeletor is planning to conquer Primus. This is all the provocation our heroes need to board the Starship Eternia and head for home.

Glasnost 3
Hydron: “Leave it, He-Man, he’s not worth it.”

But in a last-minute twist, we learn that Slush Head has sabotaged the Starship’s radio, thus preventing Hydron from being able to tell Primus to lower the shield to let them land. Desperate to return to Primus in time to stop Skeletor, He-Man goes out into space – without a space suit, I don’t expect I need to tell you – and draws his sword. By which I don’t mean he raises his sword. He literally draws it in the sky, casting massive beams of light between stars to create a new, sword-shaped constellation.

Master Sebrien sees the sword constellation and orders Werban to lower the shield, allowing the Starship Eternia to land. Skeletor has already lit the fuse on his bomb, but He-Man contrives to throw the bomb back onto Skeletor’s ship, with predictable consequences. The episode ends with Mara apologising to He-Man for daring to think about the possibility of making peace, but at least this time, He-Man acknowledges that making peace would have been a good thing.

Glasnost 4
He-Man: “But if we have peace, Mara, I’ll have to get a new job.”

 

In today’s adventure…

It’s Hydron and Flipshot again, this time to tell us – irrelevantly – that you should always wear your seatbelt. Once again, it has nothing to do with the story. Now, I accept that the moral segment doesn’t necessarily have to relate to the episode’s events, but it kind of feels weird that it doesn’t.

 

Character checklist

Here we have Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara, Hydron, Flipshot, the Sorceress, Werban, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, the Galactic Council representatives, and a fair few other heroes and Mutants whose names I still don’t know.

Glasnost 2
Master Sebrien: “So, guys, who are you exactly?”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

No excuses this time, but he’s only hanging out with Master Sebrien at the time, so that’s fine.

 

Insults

Skeletor refers to He-Man as a “ruffian”, while He-Man is safely out of earshot. Skeletor also calls Slush Head a “dummy”, which leads to a not-at-all hilarious moment in which Slush Head calls the entire Galactic Council “dummies”. How we chortled.

Glasnost 5
Skeletor: “I’m beginning to wonder if this guy is even stupider than Beast-Man.”

 

Does it have the Power?

It’s got a few problems, but ultimately it’s a decent episode. The first half of it, focussing on the peace summit at the Galactic Council, is played almost entirely for laughs, and – while it’s not particularly funny – it is good to see the light-hearted side of this cartoon. I enjoyed Skeletor pretending to be seeking peace, even though it did seem inconceivable that anyone would believe him. I’m glad the episode presented peace as being worth seeking, as last time the series touched on this theme – in Attack on Onnor – the peace seeker was simply shown as an idiot.

On the downside, I’m sure you know what I’m going to say. It’s taken a mere eight episodes for this series to fall into the She-Ra trap of having the hero waltz about in outer space without any protection. I’m willing to write this occurrence off if it never happens again. Deal?

Episode 07 – The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword… Or is It?

In which Skeletor bullies a rabbit.

Well, that’s a mouthful of a title, and it also leaves me unsure which words should be capitalised. The opening scene does nothing to dispel that sense of uncertainty: it features Skeletor and Flogg cruising the streets of Gorn City looking for new recruits. In this, they are disappointed, but Skeletor stops outside an art gallery, entranced by a picture of a dragon. He’s not nostalgic for Granamyr; he seems more interested in the fact that the picture is moving. Popping inside, Skeletor learns that the artist is a gentleman named Helm, who is currently on Primus.

Pen 1
Flogg: “No, it’s too realistic. I prefer the impressionists.”

That’s our cue to cut to Primus, where Master Sebrien, Prince Adam and Mara are welcoming Helm to their world, and asking him to do some paintings while he’s there. Helm gives moving pictures as presents to Sebrien and Mara, and apologises to Adam for not bringing him anything. His explanation is that he didn’t know Adam would be present, which is perfectly reasonable, but Adam sounds mightily pissed off, and responds by stalking out in a huff.

In fact, Adam seems to be in a right mood this week; we next see him taking a walk with the robot Gleep, and being needlessly belligerent in their conversation. Gleep theorises that Adam is being such a dick because he’s thinking about Mara, a suggestion which Adam neither confirms nor denies. So it looks like we have a love triangle, in which Drissy fancies Adam, while Adam has the hots for Mara. This will either end badly, or end in the writers forgetting all about it.

Pen 2
Helm: “Guys, I’ve got to ask, why have you got these armchairs and sofas in the garden?”

In the meantime, Skeletor and Slush Head have managed to intimidate a space rabbit into giving them a lift to Primus. Once there, Skeletor uses some ill-defined magic to make the dragon in the moving picture come to life, and sets it loose to cause some chaos. Hydron and Flipshot quickly get wind of the dragon’s approach, and leap into action. Naturally, their useless flapping about doesn’t achieve anything, except to alert Adam, who instantly turns into He-Man and shoots the dragon, which dissolves into tiny pieces.

Pen 4
Flipshot: “Maybe if I stand here and gawp stupidly, people will think I’m a hero.”

The scientists, working with Adam and Helm, take an unconscionably long time to work out that the dragon was formed from paint. Adam takes the opportunity to have a right go at Helm, hinting passive-aggressively that Helm is responsible for the dragon attack. Helm retaliates by taunting Adam about his feelings for Mara. This jolly scene ends when Skeletor brings another painting to life, this one a picture of a butterfly, and consequently rather less threatening than the dragon.

Nonetheless, it’s still sufficiently serious to warrant another appearance from He-Man, but – surprisingly – it’s Gepple who manages to destroy the butterfly. He-Man’s all up for carrying on with Adam’s work in blaming Helm, but the scientists point out that the paint contained Quagmi Swamp particles, thus implicating Skeletor.

There’s just time for a grand finale in which Master Sebrien and Mara are threatened by a painting-come-to-life of a snow leopard, which is only defeated by Helm quickly drawing a soldier to shoot the poor leopard with a crossbow. Wow. Way to encourage environmental responsibility and wildlife protection, guys. Once this miserable little scene is over, He-Man yells at Helm like a right bully, until Helm snaps his paintbrushes in half, thus ending the threat from any other living paintings.

Pen 5
He-Man: “Listen, Helm, either you snap your paintbrushes or I snap your neck. Because I’m a right dick this week.”

The episode ends with Skeletor and Slush Head falling off a cliff, at which He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara and Helm erupt in hysterics. Any claim these guys once had to the moral high ground is now long gone, what with the disregard for wildlife, the bullying and the schadenfreude. Great heroes.

 

In today’s adventure…

There’s no moral with this one, at least not on the one I watched on YouTube. Still, that gives me the opportunity to dispense my own moral: do NOT do anything that Adam or He-Man does in this episode. Seriously, they both act like complete bell ends from start to finish. And don’t shoot snow leopards with crossbows either, as if that needed spelling out.

 

Character checklist

This one is an outing for Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara, Hydron, Flipshot, Gleep, Gepple, Meldock, Helm, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, and the space rabbit. There were also three new boys on the heroes’ side – including one with elephant tusks – but I didn’t catch any names.

Pen 3
Space rabbit: “Hope I get my own spin-off.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

“He went to call Hydron and Flipshot on the visionphone,” He-Man offers, with a touch of panic in his voice, as if he’s never had to think about coming up with excuses before. By this stage, he ought to be a pro at it.

 

Insults

The only insult I noticed was Slush Head rather mildly telling the dragon that it is a “bad dragon”.

 

Silence, Scientists!

Gepple and Meldock each get a point this week for having an irritating argument over who invented a surveillance device. The scientists have a variation of this argument every week, and it’s getting mighty tedious. I suggest they should each go off into an isolation chamber and try to invent things on their own. To add a degree of incentive, the one who’s invented the fewest things after a week should get vaporised. Our heroes should then repeat the procedure for three further weeks, after which they’ll have loads of new inventions and four vaporised scientists. Happy ending all round.

Anyway, the scores are now thus:

Meldock: 12

Gepple: 5

Krax: 5

Elcon: 5

Pen 6
Meldock: “Oh yes, He-Man might be a wanker, but don’t worry, I’m one too.”

 

Does it have the Power?

Unfortunately, despite a pretty interesting premise, I’m going to have to say no. I have always liked the story of the Magic Paintbrush, and enjoyed it when She-Ra touched on the concept in Portrait of Doom, so that’s a positive. The negative, however, far outweighs it. Firstly, there’s zero attempt to explain how Skeletor brings the paintings to life: it’s simply a case of “he just does”. Secondly, I really can’t get behind the shooting of a snow leopard with a crossbow. I know it wasn’t a real snow leopard, but it just feels so wrong anyway. Thirdly, there’s Adam and He-Man. What the hell has got into them this week? Being the Most Powerful Man in the Universe doesn’t mean you can be a massive tosser. Ordinarily, I’d welcome the deepening of their characters with the introduction of Mara as a love interest, but since it appears to just make He-Man into a complete wanker, I think I’ll pass, thanks. In conclusion, this episode is essentially a character assassination of our hero, and as such is best avoided.

Episode 06 – Sword & Staff

In which He-Man is unnecessarily duplicitous.

This episode opens with a somewhat odd segment in which Skeletor – who has received a slight makeover since last week, in that he no longer has eyeballs – is given a surprise party by the Mutants. Of course, they’re not just being nice: they’re trying to get their own back for the numerous times he’s insulted them. Their method of revenge is curiously convoluted though: they give Skeletor a vicious reptile called Kerr as a pet, presumably hoping it will bite him. Contrary to their expectations, Skeletor tames Kerr, and develops some degree of affection for him.

Sword 1
Flogg: “Too bad He-Man’s not invited. He’s always wanted a piece of Skeletor.”

All this, of course, is a long-winded way of getting us to where the plot wants to go. Kerr falls down a hole on the moon of Nordor, and in going down to recover him, Skeletor and a Mutant called Quake discover an ancient door. In order to open the door, Skeletor must win a game of Noughts and Crosses (no, seriously).

With a well-placed cross from Skeletor, the door opens, and reveals a huge glowing crystal. After touching it, Quake immediately develops huge muscles and a bad temper, and turns both of these new attributes on Skeletor. Luckily, he hasn’t developed a particularly impressive mind, so Skeletor is able to talk him down. They return to Flogg, and decide to test Quake’s new abilities in battle.

The targets for this battle are Prince Adam, Hydron and Flipshot, who are on a trading mission in Gorn City, and have met up with Meliak, that Cyclops that He-Man met in Quest for the Crystals. Their trade deal is ticking along nicely, until Quake bursts in through the wall and starts a bit of a rumble. Adam, Hydron, Flipshot and Meliak are easily outclassed, but are saved by the arrival of a four-armed dude called Sagittar. After spitting some idle threats, Quake runs away.

Sword 2
Prince Adam: “Pleased to meet you, Sagittar. It’s nice to see someone here has a weird anatomy, like most of my friends back home.”

Our heroes return to Primus, where Adam consults Master Sebrien about Quake’s newfound abilities. Master Sebrien displays She-Ra’s usual trick of instantly guessing the correct answer, immediately commenting that the Mutants must have found the crystal. He further elaborates that the crystal is an ancient artefact of enormous evil power, which grants great but mercifully brief strength, and hints that perhaps He-Man might be good enough to go to Nordor and destroy it.

Adam doesn’t know how to destroy the crystal (though I’m sure I can’t be alone in thinking that his usual tactic of punching it might help), so he consults the Sorceress via his sword. She says, “The battle must be fought from within, and it must be fought by all. Fight by being right, but you must know what is right in order to win.” Wow. I bet Adam wishes he was able to communicate with someone more useful on Eternia, like Man-at-Arms or Teela. Frankly, even Ram-Man would be more use than the Sorceress has been lately.

Sword 3
Sorceress: “I know I’ve never been that helpful, but I’ve decided to really up the ante here.”

Back on Nordor, Flogg has decided that the crystal is too dangerous for the Mutants to use, prompting Skeletor to throw a hissy fit and stomp off to use the crystal himself. As a result, he gets another makeover, in which he acquires a samurai helmet and surprisingly gets his eyeballs back. He also starts talking like Gollum, which I can only hope is a temporary arrangement.

When He-Man arrives, instead of launching into his usual punch-first-make-sarky-remarks-later routine, he instead caught me by surprise somewhat by suggesting to Skeletor that the two of them team up. I don’t particularly know why he says this, since within 10 seconds he abandons this little bit of deceit, in favour of pontificating about how evil the crystal is.

Sword 4
Skeletor: “Check out the new duds.”

This in turn gives way to He-Man shooting a stream of energy at the crystal from his sword, while Skeletor shoots a stream of energy at He-Man from his staff. The crystal overloads and blows up, and He-Man congratulates himself as poncily as he possibly can. As he flies for Primus, Skeletor emerges from the rubble, revealing that he has absorbed all the power of the crystal, which will now be his for ever…

 

In today’s adventure…

Hydron smarmily suggests that we should always ensure that our bikes are in good working order before we go for a ride. Thanks, Hydron. That’s nice and relevant to today’s story. Frankly, a moral about drugs would not have been too out of place this week, given the great but temporary and dangerous powers the crystal bestows. Please understand, I’m not angling for a moral about drugs, but since they’re almost certain to pop up again at some point, it might as well be at the end of a relevant episode. As it is, bikes and safety checks have nothing to do with this.

Sword 5
Hydron: “Hey, kids, look how cool I am. You want to be just like me, don’t you. Well, check your bikes are safe then.”

 

Character checklist

I still don’t know all the names, but we’re getting there. This week, we have Adam, He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Sagittar, Meliak, Master Sebrien, the Sorceress, Elcon, Krax, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake, Karate, Kerr, and a whole gang of other Mutants.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

He doesn’t give one this week, so instead I’ll talk about how dense Skeletor is. I’m almost certain that by now he knows that Prince Adam is on Primus, as well as He-Man. How can he not put together the clues that they are one and the same?

 

Insults

Kerr has a rough ride in the early scenes, being referred to as a “mangy pet” and “dumb pet” by Skeletor, and as a “dumb animal” by Quake. Quake gets a little over-excited in the fight scene in Gorn City, telling Adam, Hydron and Flipshot that they are “slime buckets” and calling Meliak a “Quagmi worm”. Finally, Skeletor calls He-Man a “liar”, which is fair enough, since He-Man had just claimed to want to team up and then gone back on it quicker than a dollar on elastic.

Sword 6
Skeletor: “Nice treachery, He-Man. Didn’t realise you had it in you.”

 

Does it have the Power?

I remembered this one, which is pretty impressive, since I can’t have seen it since 1991 or thereabouts. That’s not to say I remembered the whole thing, but I definitely knew that Skeletor was going to end up absorbing all the crystal’s powers, and I knew that the final shot would be of him, standing victoriously on Nordor, laughing his maniacal head off. And so it proved. I only have a few memories of this cartoon, and that shot was one of them. (The other, incidentally, is of Skeletor doing cartwheels down a street – though that sounds sufficiently unlikely that I might have dreamed it.)

Anyway, this episode is probably the best that this series has yet had to offer. The crystal is a suitably mysterious and threatening artefact, He-Man and the goodies are written relatively well, Skeletor is superb as usual, and the storyline is unpredictable. Or at least it would be, if you don’t remember seeing it in 1991. Best of all, the scientists barely feature. It’s only the Sorceress’ ridiculous gibber that detracts from this episode, and that doesn’t exactly ruin it. Thumbs up.

Episode 05 – The Ultimate Challenge

In which He-Man makes sure his hair is just right.

Okay, this has just got weird. Hydron and Flipshot are out in the Starship Eternia, testing out one of the scientists’ new inventions. Apparently, it works, because Flipshot exclaims, “Great! Now we can locate the whores!” There’s every possibility I misheard this, and – frankly – no possibility at all that I heard it correctly, but it did make me wonder if He-Man was taking a new and unexpected direction.

Whether He-Man is out looking for prostitutes or not, he is distracted by Skeletor, who for whatever reason decides to project an enormous image of himself into the sky on Primus and start bellowing taunts. He challenges He-Man to a final battle on the asteroid of Cameroon, which is odd, because I thought Cameroon was an African country, not an asteroid. Perhaps in the far future, Cameroon will detach itself from Earth and fly off as an asteroid. Alternatively, and less realistically, I suppose it could have the same name but be a different place.

Challenge 1
Skeletor: “Say, it’s weird that both Prince Adam and He-Man are here, even though I didn’t see Adam arrive. Still, obviously a coincidence.”

He-Man has a conversation with Master Sebrien in which I realised that the “whores” of the first paragraph were in fact “holes”. Apparently, there are holes in Primus’ defensive shield, and now Hydron and Flipshot are able to detect them. That’s good. Anyway, in the course of this same conversation with Master Sebrien, He-Man decides to accept Skeletor’s challenge, and so he goes to Cameroon.

Immediately after He-Man’s departure, those beastly scientists contrive to overload their whore locator, meaning that Primus is once again subject to random Mutant attacks. This in turn means that Hydron, Flipshot, and a load of other random pilots can occupy themselves flying round shooting at Mutant ships for the rest of the episode, while He-Man gets on with the serious bit.

Challenge 2
Hydron: “Me and Flipshot are the only two of this bunch you need to pay any attention to.”

The serious bit at the moment consists of He-Man receiving a telepathic communication from the Sorceress, who advises him to “see with your heart, not with your eyes”. It’s good to know that she’s not lost any of her outstanding ability to be no fucking use whatsoever. Once He-Man gets to Cameroon, he has barely begun his duel with Skeletor before Mara and Caz arrive in the Starship Eternia to pick him up, bearing the news that Primus is under attack from the Mutants.

He-Man is about to board the Starship, but Skeletor activates an “asteroid rain” device, which makes all the neighbouring asteroids (called Chad, Gabon, Congo, Equatorial Guinea and Nigeria) come flying towards Cameroon. Mara and Caz fly off again, leaving He-Man to face the asteroids, which he does magically and nonsensically by remembering the Sorceress’ stupid advice about seeing with his heart. I don’t even pretend to understand how this helps.

Somehow, He-Man seeing with his heart allows him to teleport back to Primus, where he appears inside a municipal structure called the Fountain of Freedom. Fortunately, Skeletor decides to blast the top off the Fountain of Freedom, which allows He-Man to ascend out of it, like some weird kind of space Jesus. He then takes the time to do his hair in a ponytail before beating the living daylights out of Skeletor and the Mutants.

Challenge 3
He-Man: “First things first, always make sure your hair is perfect.”

Hydron and Flipshot celebrate the victory by doing some kind of gesture which implies they are members of a Masonic lodge, while Master Sebrien, Caz, Drissy and Mara all stand in front of He-Man, who nods sagely and annoyingly while they gibber that they have learned never to give up. He-Man replies that “it is with the heart that we see and we feel and we fight.” Allow me to explain, He-Man: no it isn’t.

 

In today’s adventure…

Master Sebrien and Drissy are featured standing in a library, yammering on about how people get heart attacks. They suggest that we should all contact our local Red Cross and go on a course to learn CPR. This is random beyond belief. I know Filmation He-Man and She-Ra sometimes gave us a very tangential moral, but this is so disconnected from the episode’s events that it seems actively mental.

Challenge 4
Drissy: “Heart attacks are bad, but also entirely irrelevant.”

 

Character checklist

Today’s little crazy-fest is a showcase for Prince Adam, He-Man, Drissy, Caz, Master Sebrien, Mara, Hydron, Flipshot, Gepple, Meldock, Elcon, Krax, Gleep, the Sorceress, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, and I daresay some others. I’m not massively invested in exactly who.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

When Skeletor delivers his challenge, Adam is out wandering around flirting with Drissy. However, this happy scene comes to an end after the challenge is issued, with Adam running off shrieking, “I have to go to see Master Sebrien.” Drissy is not amused, reacting in a way that suggests she’s aiming to be the Teela of the series.

 

Insults

There’s a slightly odd moment when Skeletor either forgets or pretends to forget Flogg’s name and calls him “flush”, which I presume is meant to be an insult. That being said, Skeletor has come up with better insults than this in the past, and indeed does so again shortly thereafter, when he calls He-Man a “goody-goody” and a “sucker for a fair fight”.

Challenge 5
Skeletor: “Nice jeans, He-Man.”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Oh Christ, here we go again. Meldock – swiftly proving to be the worst of an appalling bunch – gets a point for breaking the whore detector, or the hole detector, whatever it is. He’s also going to get another point for having such an infuriating voice. Elcon’s going to get one this week as well, because I’ve only just taken a proper look at his outfit, and I can think of no reason whatsoever why a scientist would dress like a perverted Smurf. Unusually, I’m going to take a point away from Gepple, because despite being present, he has the good grace to be entirely silent.

So the scores are:

Meldock: 11

Gepple: 4

Krax: 5

Elcon: 5

 

Does it have the Power?

Well, I suppose, maybe, up to a point. The first half of this is reasonably good, basically until He-Man gets to Cameroon. Once there, this much-vaunted “ultimate challenge” turns out to be a massive damp squib, since it lasts all of 10 seconds before the Starship Eternia arrives to put a stop to it. Coupled with the demented “see with your heart” business – which doesn’t make sense, no matter how you look at it – and He-Man’s entirely inexplicable teleportation back to Primus, the episode quickly becomes an exercise in complete and utter bollocks. The gibberish at the end about heart attacks is simply the icing on a cake of insanity. So no, on balance, I don’t think it does have the Power.