In which an idiot tries to seduce Teela.
This week’s episode begins with our introduction to Malik, the eponymous wizard of Stone Mountain. He engages in a short monologue to explain his background and motivations; in short, he’s a really powerful wizard but all his magic was not enough to persuade Teela to be his wife. Instead, she rejected him to join the Palace Guard.
Some crazy monkey-lion-eagle hybrid called Lokus has been listening in, and now comes forward with an offer: if Malik will do some unspecified service, Lokus will arrange for Teela to be his. Malik foolishly agrees to do anything; they shake on it and a golden bracelet appears on Malik’s wrist. Immediately, Lokus starts destroying dams and ruining crops, claiming it is all part of the bargain. Thanks to the bracelet, Malik is powerless to intervene.
Lokus’ next move is to go to the Palace in disguise as a farmer, and he claims to Teela that Malik has destroyed the dam out of loneliness for her. Teela heads off to Stone Mountain, with He-Man, Battle-Cat and Ram-Man in tow. In the meantime, Malik’s assistant Carine begs Malik to send Lokus away, but Lokus disposes of her by way of a giant bird. Once again, Malik cannot help.
Carine is rescued from the bird by He-Man and party, and she explains that Malik is following the demon Lokus out of love for Teela. Before this can go any further, Malik appears on a flying carpet and levitates Teela up onto the carpet with him. For whatever reason, the animators at this point chose to present Teela in a rather suggestive all-fours pose. It seems a tad inappropriate. Anyway, Malik then flies off with Teela.
The next scene finds Malik and Teela in the tackiest boudoir I’ve ever seen. Teela is sat on a purple cushion, with flowers, silk curtains, and a truly terrible porcelain cherub next to her. After Teela harangues Malik that he can’t force her to fall in love with him, the cherub mutates into Lokus, who demands the payment for delivering Teela: Malik’s soul!
As we reel from this unexpected development, Lokus summons his master. I assume his master is meant to be some sort of fire demon, but the animation is really shoddy. The voice work is also deeply appalling: the demon explains that he’s the master of fear, the destroyer of mankind throughout the universe, and Evil Itself, but it does so in such a disinterested voice that I found it somewhat hard to believe.
He-Man and Evil Itself have a quick wrestling match, but Evil Itself decides to simply take Malik’s soul and piss off. But Carine intervenes, offering her own soul instead and explaining that she loves Malik. Evil Itself is quite willing to take this bargain and releases Malik, but as it stretches out its fiery paw to take Carine, it discovers that it cannot do so because her soul is full of … yes, love. Like she just explained to you, you halfwit. Evil Itself retreats, and I hope it never shows up again.
He-Man and Malik repair the dam, and Teela advises Malik to cherish Carine as much as he thought he loved Teela. Then He-Man gets all sleazy and starts hinting that perhaps Teela would be down to draw his magic sword and indulge in a little game of The Most Powerful Man In The Bedroom later, but Teela prefers to hook up with Ram-Man. Perhaps this is a line that I shouldn’t cross, but I have to wonder if Ram-Man’s name had anything to do with this decision. Thank God Fisto hasn’t been invented yet.
In today’s adventure…
Teela tells us that doing something wrong when you know it’s wrong really doesn’t make sense, and tries to suggest that this is what Malik did. What Malik actually did was rashly agree to something before he fully understood what he was getting into, which isn’t wrong; it’s just stupid. That being the case, they could have made the moral into “think things through before doing them, and always read the small print.” Advice which is just as useful, and far more relevant. They could also have considered doing a moral about not trying to force people to love you, maybe?
Prince Adam, Cringer, He-Man, Battle-Cat, Man-at-Arms, Teela, Orko, Ram-Man, Malik, Carine, Lokus, and Evil Itself. Quite a promising cast list, but not good enough to make this episode any good.
Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance
There’s no excuse this time, though Teela does tell Adam to go and find He-Man. I’m sure they all know.
In an early scene, Teela and Adam are having some fighting lessons, in the course of which, Teela calls Adam a “black-hearted villain”. I’m going to count this as an insult, even though she obviously doesn’t mean it, because otherwise the only insult in the episode is from Evil Itself, who calls Battle-Cat a “miserable animal”. I feel this is exceptionally mild, considering this is Evil Itself talking.
Egg on your face?
It’s not egg, but we haven’t heard from this category in a while, so I thought I’d revive it to tell you that early on, we find that Orko has arranged for a raincloud to be above Man-at-Arms’ head. This subsequently becomes a snow cloud, though Man-at-Arms remains unamused. In fact, to tell the truth, I’ve rarely seen him looking as livid as he does here.
Does it have the Power?
I think it’s safe to say you can skip this one. If you’re interested, Christopher Marlowe told the same story a little bit better about 400 years ago, and it would be advisable to stick to that version really, especially if you’re taking an English Literature course. The episode suffers from four things really: firstly, Carine is treated as a consolation prize for Malik when he can’t get his rocks off with Teela, and it left a slightly misogynistic taste in the mouth – especially after He-Man started basically asking Teela to get her kit off. Secondly, Evil Itself was among the worst baddies I’ve ever seen. Poor animation and dreadfully dull voice acting added up to an entirely forgettable adversary. Thirdly, it’s the second episode in a row where the baddy was defeated by the power of love, which is a plot device which irritates me no end. Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, it’s boring.