Bonus Update: The Lost Episodes of She-Ra

It’s a stunning coincidence that yet again, on this day of the year, my meticulous research into all things He-Man and She-Ra has unearthed yet another clutch of episodes that were planned and yet never made. For your reading pleasure, I am making these episode summaries available now, for the first time ever.

 

Razzle Dazzle

Madame Razz discovers that her name is similar to that of a song from the Chicago musical, and engages on a surprisingly successful quest to become a Broadway star. However, when she discovers that Hordak is her co-star, she finds it hard to put aside her personal differences with him in the interests of “the show must go on”…

She Ra Lost 1

 

Princess of Power

Glimmer demands to know on what basis She-Ra calls herself Princess of Power, pointing out that Adora is the princess, not She-Ra. She-Ra must persuade Glimmer that we are all princesses, in our own special way. Glimmer is pretty easily persuaded on this one.

 

A Tenner for Mantenna

Bow bumps into Mantenna down at Wetherspoons on a Friday night, and the two of them bond over a shared liking for cheap drinks in atmosphereless pubs. But when Bow wakes up with a raging hangover on Saturday morning, he discovers that he has somehow got himself into a situation where he owes Mantenna £10. Can he pay back the loan before Mantenna’s notoriously steep interest rates kick in?

She Ra Lost 2

 

Body Swap

Modulok invents a body swap device, intending to use it to swap bodies with Glimmer and learn the secrets of the Rebellion. Unfortunately, he accidentally uses it to swap Bow into She-Ra’s body, with the result that “She-Ra” disappears into her tent for several days with a video camera, a full length mirror and a can of whipped cream. Meanwhile, no one believes “Bow” when he claims to be She-Ra, until he proves his identity by not doing anything stupid or seedy for nearly 20 minutes.

 

The Greatest Show on Etheria

In the sequel that literally no one wanted, Krackers the Clown and his infernal team arrive on Etheria to set up their beastly circus, but are whisked away into the Fright Zone dungeons immediately on arrival. No one does anything about it, and the episode ends with a disturbing “40 years later…” segment in which a bowed and broken Krackers staggers out of his lengthy imprisonment only to collapse under an indifferent grey Etherian sky.

 

Once again, I feel obliged to point out that this is all an April Fools’ Day joke. A very funny joke. I should also comment that I’m sorry about the appalling photoshopping. There’s only so much time I’m willing to put into this.

 

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Bonus Update: More Lost Episodes of He-Man

As we all know, I put a lot of effort into this blog, and some among you may recall that last year I shared a few of the fruits of my extensive research: six missing episodes of He-Man. Well, I’m pleased to reveal that I have now unearthed a further six summaries of episodes that were planned but never made. These summaries are shared below…

 

Supply and Demand

He-Man gets hold of The Ladybird Book of Economics and realises that he is  in a comfortable position to charge hefty fees for his services protecting Eternia. When he presents King Randor with a bill covering his exploits over the preceding episodes, Randor discovers that the Palace finances are in a woeful position, largely thanks to Man-at-Arms blowing the budget on his various incompetent inventions. Randor must find a way to persuade He-Man to continue to work for free or Man-at-Arms will lose his job!

Lost episodes 1

 

A Stitch in Time

Deep in the depths of Castle Grayskull, a locked chamber contains the Time Tapestry – an embroidery depicting the past, present and future. When Orko accidentally cuts it in half, He-Man and Man-at-Arms must learn the art of needlework to repair the Tapestry before the space-time continuum itself begins to unravel!

 

Magic of the Heart

Orko invites Uncle Montork, Dree Elle, Yuckers, Snoob, Prankster, Squanch, Doctor Zoog, the Muckess and all the other bloody Trollans to make an unwelcome return to Eternia for a soul-sapping six-part epic in which they do nothing but perform distinctly underwhelming magic tricks and yap at each other for what seems like months about the power of love.

Lost episodes 2

 

Little Red Riding Teela

In this equally nonsensical sequel to Beauty and the Beast, Teela puts on a red cloak and goes for a walk through a forest, where she meets Wolf-Man, an anthropomorphic wolf who voices a desire to eat Teela and her grandma. Can He-Man work out how to successfully impersonate a woodcutter in time to save the day?

 

A Bite of the Apple

When a new Apple store opens on Eternia, Queen Marlena decides to buy King Randor the latest iPad model on the day of release. Learning of this, Skeletor sends Beast-Man and Trapjaw to queue up all night to buy up every iPad in the shop. He-Man must negotiate the notoriously difficult Apple customer service team to place an order for an iPad in time for King Randor’s birthday!

Lost episodes 3

 

 

Right Hand Man

When an important trade deal falls through because Fisto refused to sign the final contract, King Randor gets understandably annoyed. However, anger turns to sympathy when Fisto reveals that he’s right-handed but can’t hold a pen in his enormous fist. He-Man is despatched on a dangerous mission to the Land of the Giants to fetch Fisto a suitably-sized pen.

 

And yes, as a disclaimer, I should probably mention that this is my idea of a hilarious April Fool. Go on, laugh.

Bonus Update: The Lost Episodes of He-Man

I undertake a vast degree of extensive and diligent research for this website (stop sniggering at the back there). In the course of this research, I have uncovered a number of He-Man story pitches that were, for whatever reason, never developed into episodes. I thought it would be only fair to share them with you. Some of them sound quite good.

 

The Delvers of Delos

The mines of Delos are famed across Eternia for their mineral wealth. But when Skeletor offers the miners a better employment contract, they go on strike. He-Man must negotiate with an intransigent union leader to settle the industrial dispute before Eternia runs out of vital resources!

Fake 2

 

A Hard Day’s Knight

A mysterious wizard calling himself the Day Knight arrives on Eternia and offers his services to the highest bidder. He claims to be able to control Eternia’s rotation speed, thus providing the possibility of boundless sunlight – or endless night. Will He-Man be able to prevent Skeletor from engaging the Day Knight to plunge Eternia into a neverending darkness?

 

A Cautionary Tale

Orko happens upon a grove of plants that give him strange hallucinations when he eats them. Naturally, he becomes addicted and eats a whole kilogram of them. The remaining 18 minutes of the episode is shown from Orko’s point of view as he undergoes a strange and increasingly alarming LSD trip, in which all sorts of distressing things happen. Once kids have seen Orko knife Ram-Man to death, they’ll be sufficiently disturbed to be put off drugs for life.

Fake 1

 

Confession

Evil-Lyn develops a magic potion that forces the drinker to tell the truth. Can Prince Adam avoid confessing his deepest secret – that he has some nude photos of Teela hidden on his laptop? He must also avoid revealing that he is He-Man, though Adam is more concerned about the Teela business.

 

Under the Sun’s Warm Glow

When Prince Adam accidentally overdoes it in the Palace tanning studio, he must endure a day of everybody ribbing him good-naturedly about how he now looks just like He-Man. Even so, no one manages to put two and two together, leading to Adam beginning to despair of the intellectual capacity of his parents and everybody else on Eternia.

Fake 3

 

It’s Personality That Counts

On an archaeology dig, Melaktha uncovers a 20-foot-tall ancient statue of a nude and hugely under-endowed Man-at-Arms, and when word gets out, Man-at-Arms finds it difficult to be taken seriously around the Palace until he agrees to a full-frontal photoshoot for FHM to set the record straight. Meanwhile, He-Man embarks on a quest to discover how the Ancient Eternians could have made a statue of Man-at-Arms, but it eventually transpires that Skeletor is responsible, having simply planted the statue in the archaeological ruins for a laugh.

 

And yes, just in case anyone was deceived, this is an April Fool. How we chortled.