Episode 50 – Failsafe

In which Shadow Weaver suggests blowing Adora up.

After learning of the Heart of Etheria failsafe, Bow and Glimmer return to the rebel HQ, where Shadow Weaver and Castaspella are relating how they have, er, learned of a failsafe for the Heart of Etheria. Seems like we only really needed one of these two sets of characters to find that out, but there we go, got to give everyone something to do, I suppose. At least Shadow Weaver has some additional information: the failsafe – otherwise known as the Crystal of Arxia – can be found in the First Ones tunnels beneath Mystacor.

Shadow Weaver: “Fancy going on a dangerous quest to a scary-sounding place?”

There’s a load of rumbling and grumbling from Glimmer about the wisdom of buggering about with the Heart of Etheria again (no argument from me), but within a few minutes the mission is underway. Adora and her team stealth their way through the palace at Mystacor and into the tunnels, where they begin the search for the Crystal. As they do so, Adora discovers that for some reason she can’t become She-Ra, and Shadow Weaver seizes the opportunity to claim that it’s because Catra is causing too much distraction.

Once the team find the Crystal, Shadow Weaver reveals that someone must bond themselves to the failsafe and carry it in their body to the Heart of Etheria. That someone has to be Adora, because only She-Ra has the power to absorb the amount of magical energy this will entail. Well, maybe she does. Shadow Weaver doesn’t know, but she’s pretty sure that even if She-Ra doesn’t survive, the resultant magical nonsense will result in the Heart of Etheria being defused.

Shadow Weaver: “Oh yes, now the bit I neglected to mention earlier. You’re going to die.”

Obviously, the rest of the gang are unhappy with the idea of sacrificing Adora, but she herself surprisingly seems to think it’s a pretty sound notion if the alternative is allowing Horde Prime to win. Before we can explore that, though, the team are interrupted by King Micah, who’s taken up residence at Mystacor and contrives to waste our time by tediously blasting a load of magical energy at our heroes, who retaliate by blasting magical energy at him. God, it’s exciting.

In the middle of the fracas, Adora decides that now is the moment to do the failsafe bonding business, and consequently there’s a whole load of loud noises and flashing lights which I suspect I might have found cool once upon a time but now that I’m old and bitter merely seem like a hollow excuse to mask a complete lack of intelligible substance to this plotline. With a burst of magic, Adora manages to become She-Ra again (don’t ask how or why), absorbs the failsafe, defeats King Micah, and leads the gang safely home.

King Micah: “Curses! Foiled again!”

Meanwhile, if one deus ex machina weren’t enough for one episode, there’s also a little subplot going on with Entrapta and Bow. Having removed Spinnerella’s chip, Entrapta reveals that there isn’t much time to remove chips from everybody else before their effects become irreversible – but luckily, she’s figured out a way to deactivate all the chips at the same time. She doesn’t achieve this goal this time, but I’m sure she’ll press a special Plot Shortcut button sometime in the next two weeks.

Once back at the base, though, Catra takes a leaf out of the Filmation playbook and decides to run away, having overheard Shadow Weaver’s earlier conversation with Adora. You’ll forgive me if by this stage I couldn’t care less what happens to a single one of these characters, all of whom have got on my tits quite extravagantly this week. Adora, of course, is a better person than me, and she follows Catra to persuade her to return. The big cliffhanger is that she fails to succeed, and Catra heads off alone to God knows where. Oh well, eh?

Catra: “Jesus Christ, this argument AGAIN?”

In today’s adventure…

Today we learned that if you’re going to rehash every single cliché of this She-Ra series and mash them all up together in one episode, you can’t possibly expect me to enjoy it.

Character checklist

Leading the way today are Adora, She-Ra, Catra, Shadow Weaver and King Micah. Glimmer, Bow, Castaspella, Entrapta, Swift Wind, Melog and a couple of Mystacor guards are on the second tier of players, and Original Hordak also gets a scene in which he yet again remembers his past, a plotline which has been spinning around in the background for several weeks now. Speaking of spinning, Spinnerella and Netossa appear in one shot, but they’ve by and large been relegated back to irrelevance.

Insults

Entrapta calls Swift Wind a “bird-horse”, and while she doesn’t mean it insultingly, Swift Wind certainly takes exception to it. Otherwise, as ever, it’s pretty light on burns.

Swift Wind: “Maybe I should just eat her.”

Oh No, Bow!

“We have to get out of here!” bellows Bow, when the team are pinned down by King Micah and his posse. That’s a great idea, Bow. I wonder why no one else thought of it. Thank Christ you’re here to think up such an elegant solution to the problem. Or, to put it another way, shut the fuck up, Captain Obvious.

Does it have the Power?

This one feels really tired, like it’s going over the same ground as we’ve seen before many times. I can’t count the number of creepy First Ones ruins and other tunnels the guys have explored, I can’t count how many times Adora’s lost her She-Ra skills, I can’t count the number of times Catra’s thrown a tantrum and run off, I can’t count the amount of mystical bollocks we’ve heard about the Heart of Etheria, I can’t count the number of times we’ve seen boring overblown magical battles, and I can’t count the number of times Entrapta’s allowed her love of tech to lead her into danger. I certainly can’t begin to imagine how many times we’ve had to listen to a heartfelt conversation between Adora and Catra. When the writing is good, I can go along with repetition of these themes, but this week, the writing really isn’t up to scratch, feeling as though no one’s put even the slightest bit of effort into making it interesting. As a result, the whole thing plays out enormously tediously, and is eminently skippable.

Episode 49 – Return to the Fright Zone

In which the gang meet some old friends.

Planning their next move, the rebels learn that after wreaking havoc along the coast, the newly chipped Scorpia has headed to the ruins of the Fright Zone. Theorising that there must be a reason for this, Adora, Catra, Netossa, Perfuma and Melog make their way there, while Bow and Glimmer set off on a side mission to check that Bow’s dads have survived the occupation.

On arrival, Team Fright Zone discover that Scorpia has discovered how to use her innate magical abilities, and is now really really good at shooting red lightning bolts at people and leaping about with silly jumps reminiscent of the sort of nonsense usually seen in Marvel films. Mermista and Spinnerella are present too, and thus we’re treated to a hefty fight scene between the chipped and unchipped rebels.

Scorpia: “All back to mine on November 5th, okay?”

Netossa defeats Spinnerella and disables her chip, but the other rebels don’t fare as well. Gaining the upper hand, Scorpia herds Adora and Perfuma into Hordak’s former throne room, where – unexpectedly – Horde Prime is sitting in state. He explains that he’s been checking out Hordak’s research laboratory, and now has the knowledge to activate the Heart of Etheria without even needing the Princesses. I’m pretty sure this is bad, but I lost interest in the Heart of Etheria and associated nonsense long ago, so I’m going to just keep my head down on that one. Instead, let’s concentrate on the fact that Adora and Perfuma escape, thanks to briefly breaking through Scorpia’s mind control and appealing to her true nature.

Meanwhile, Bow and Glimmer track down Lance and George (that’s Bow’s dads’ names, in case you’ve forgotten, like I had), hiding in one of the First Ones ruins. While they’ve been there, they’ve been excavating, and rather conveniently have discovered a computer system, in which they’ve learned a lot more of the history of Mara and the First Ones. I’ve rather lost interest in that bit too, unfortunately, so you’ll forgive me if I don’t summarise it all. The upshot is that there’s a failsafe system built into the Heart of Etheria, and it can be found at the Arxia outpost. If the failsafe is activated, the Heart of Etheria can be stopped. Sounds like a deus ex machina waiting to happen.

George: “Wake up Bow, this is interesting.”

In today’s adventure…

No sign of Loo-Kee today – but was he here? Who knows? I’m still suffering some doubt after last week, and that could have been distracting if the moral were somehow too subtle for me to detect. Luckily, it isn’t: it’s spelled out loud and clear by Perfuma, who bellows that “There’s power in love, joy and friendship!” So the moral, I suppose, is to be loving, joyful and friendly, and then you too can have the power.

Character checklist

The cast today is pretty extensive: main roles go to Adora, She-Ra, Catra, Glimmer, Bow, Netossa, Perfuma, Scorpia, Mermista, Spinnerella, Melog, Horde Prime, Lance and George. Shadow Weaver, Castaspella, Frosta, Entrapta, Swift Wind, Emily the bot, and a computer like Light Hope all get a small look-in, but not much. Barely worth mentioning, in fact.

Perfuma: “Join me in a spot of kumbaya, Catra?”

Insults

None of these today, not that I noticed anyway.

Oh No, Bow!

A relatively minor offence this week, but during the mission briefing, Bow is paying absolutely zero attention and has to be prompted to say his lines. This is because he’s distracted by his worry about his dads, so you know, fair enough, but still, it’s Bow, so we’ve got to mention it.

Does it have the Power?

Again, it’s nothing special as far as the plot is concerned, but some great lines (Perfuma’s “She-Ra! Drop it! We don’t throw tanks at our friends!” is perfection) and some pretty entertaining scenes (particularly the early one when Netossa reveals she’s got some overly detailed dossiers on the weaknesses of the other Princesses) elevate what could have been a fairly standard outing.

Netossa: “What, you don’t keep extensive notes on your friends too?”

Being honest, I’m not a fan of massive fight scenes where people throw magical energy around, and there’s a lot of that going on today, but fortunately there’s enough character work here as well to keep me interested. Perfuma’s continued rabbiting on about the power of friendship is bordering on saccharine, and Netossa’s affection for Spinnerella is a little too sweet, but it’s just about counteracted by enough snark from Catra and (surprisingly) She-Ra, ensuring the episode doesn’t overdo it.

I’m not happy about the reintroduction of the Heart of Etheria, because it’s confusing and boring, and I’m also not particularly happy about this failsafe, which sounds like it’s been introduced now to act as a magic get-out clause in the series finale in a few weeks’ time. But we shall see. In the meantime, let’s chalk this episode up as another winner.

Episode 48 – An Ill Wind

In which there’s an unwelcome blast from the past.

Adora and co. are overjoyed to be safely back on Etheria, but – as I’m sure you can imagine – they don’t get much of a respite before it’s all danger and peril again. Finding the rebel encampment deserted, they decide to check out the nearest village, Erlandia, for clues – but on arrival, they discover that Erlandia has fallen to the Horde and is surrounded by hundreds of Hordak clones. Never ones to pass up an opportunity to make amateur errors, they all get dolled up in silly disguises and traipse into the village to be inevitably unmasked.

Glimmer: “And we’re expecting the Horde to be fooled by this for how many seconds, exactly?”

In utter fairness, they last longer than I expected – by which I mean, longer than 5 minutes. After that, though, the game’s up when Spinnerella arrives and immediately attacks the team. They escape pretty pronto and meet up with Netossa, who fills them in on the events that have occurred in their absence. The team then make the decision to return to Erlandia, find Spinnerella and remove her chip.

Rather to my surprise, they fail to achieve this objective, despite spending a good portion of the episode’s runtime whacking hell out of Spinnerella. Instead, Spinnerella escapes and flies off to do some mischief elsewhere, and all the inhabitants of Erlandia cheer like idiots. Our heroes then head off to the new rebel camp, where they reunite with the rest of the unchipped rebels and stand about making inspirational speeches to disguise the fact they’ve not really managed to do anything of import this week.

She-Ra: “Right gang, this one’s for the front cover of the calendar. Try and look cool, okay?”

In today’s adventure…

In an early scene, we find Horde Prime monitoring uprisings on a fair number of Horde worlds. This is all well and good and wouldn’t really warrant a mention, if it weren’t for the fact that in the background of a shot of one such world, there’s that bloody Loo-Kee. And if that’s not bad enough, in a shop in Erlandia, there’s a scrawled drawing of Loo-Kee too! These are probably just nice little Easter eggs for Filmation fans, but frankly I’d have preferred it they hadn’t bothered, because now I’m really concerned that Loo-Kee has been present in every single episode so far and this is the first time I’ve seen him. It’s upset me so much that I have been too distracted to figure out what the moral of this week’s episode is.

Loo-Kee: “Been here all along.”

Character checklist

Leading the pack this week are Adora, She-Ra, Catra, Glimmer, Bow, Entrapta, Wrong Hordak, Spinnerella, Netossa, Melog, Horde Prime, various inhabitants of Erlandia, and of course there are loads of Horde Troopers and Hordak clones (including Original Hordak, who’s still moping about that jewel which I assume has some significance). There are also brief appearances for Perfuma, Frosta, Swift Wind, Emily the bot, King Micah, the Star Sisters, and that little bastard Loo-Kee.

Insults

Horde Prime describes the First Ones as “fools”. He’s probably not wrong, tbh. I’ve kind of had enough of hearing about the First Ones. Less sympathetically, Frosta addresses Catra as “Horde scum”.

Oh No, Bow!

Bow describes himself as the team’s “resident regular guy”. I mean, if your definition of a regular guy is someone who always carries archery equipment, wears a stupid crop-top, usually runs round shrieking, is overly handsy, and generally behaves in socially unacceptable ways, then yeah. Otherwise no.

Bow: “Does this seem like the sort of situation a regular guy would find himself in?”

Does it have the Power?

It may be a fairly average affair plot-wise, but there’s some pretty sparky dialogue in this one, which really elevates it – I especially chuckled when Adora comments, “How are we meant to fight our own friends?” and instantly elicits a tart “Never stopped you before” from Catra. The fight sequences between Spinnerella and the rebels have a great energy: Netossa is fighting for the restoration of her wife’s soul, and we really get a sense of her anguish – and it makes Spinnerella’s taunts even more painful. It’s also a pretty good twist that the rebels don’t succeed in rescuing Spinnerella. All in all, we have here a strong contender for a good, action-packed and humorous instalment – recommended.

Episode 47 – Shot in the Dark

In which Bow needs to have his head ripped off.

After last week’s debacle, the remaining members of the Rebellion are – understandably – disheartened. Only Shadow Weaver (long time, no see) and Castaspella (even longer time, no see) have much in the way of fight left in them, and the two of them head off on Shadow Weaver’s instigation deep into the Whispering Woods. Once there, Shadow Weaver suggests doing some magical jiggery-pokery to unleash Etheria’s innate magical resources against Horde Prime. This sounds like a rerun of that incomprehensible Heart of Etheria business, but we’ll see.

Shadow Weaver: “Why don’t the two of us piss off out of the story for a while?”

In the episode’s main plotline, meanwhile, Adora and the gang are trying to come up with a sensible plan to get around the Horde blockade and return to Etheria. Their brainstorming session isn’t going well, until Wrong Hordak pops up conveniently to drop some tantalising hints about a planet called Krytus, which holds the key to Horde Prime’s only weak point. Entrapta and Adora use the spaceship’s computer to locate Krytus, and before long, they’re on their way.

Krytus turns out to be a desolate planet, once a First Ones colony, but now devastated by Horde bombing. Finding the ruins of a half-destroyed building on the surface, Team Adora start exploring – and Entrapta quickly picks up lifesigns indicating there’s somebody still alive on the planet. Assuming that this somebody can help in the fight against the Horde, our heroes redouble their exploration efforts, despite Catra’s rather wise warning that reminds the others that they have no idea what they’re dealing with here.

As they troll around the building, the gang keep thinking they see things out of the corner of their eye – there’s definitely something here. It’s all very creepy, until the mysterious presence makes itself visible, and turns out to look a bit like a sperm wearing a bridal veil. Admittedly, that is a fairly creepy image, but it’s perhaps not what they were aiming for.

Glimmer: “Er, hi. Please would you go away?”

Fortunately, before we can get too familiar with the sperm thing, it transforms into a pleasingly nostalgic blast from the past. Remember Filmation Catra could mutate into a big purple cat? Well, that’s the shape the sperm thing now adopts, and it’s bloody furious. Luckily, Catra quickly figures out that the big purple cat responds to emotion, and that if the gang stay calm, the cat will be calm too.

So once that’s sorted out, the gang make friends with the cat. For whatever demented reason, the cat can only talk to Catra, so – speaking through her – it introduces itself as Melog and explains the history of Krytus. In case you care, the story goes that the First Ones came along, stole the planet’s magical resources, and then were followed by Horde Prime. Horde Prime was unable to control the magic and was driven off by Melog. Glimmer concludes that magic is Horde Prime’s weakness, which is mighty convenient, given Glimmer’s just got her magic back. I’ll be honest, I either hadn’t realised or hadn’t remembered that she’d lost it, but I’m dead pleased for her now she’s got it back, obviously.

Glimmer: “Look happy for me, guys, please.”

Anyway, Melog invites itself along on the return trip to Etheria, which is also mighty convenient, because Melog’s magical powers are precisely what’s needed for the spaceship to get through the Horde blockade undetected. As the episode ends, there’s a real sense of achievement as the team finally arrive back on Etheria.

In today’s adventure…

Oh good god, I don’t know. Maybe the lesson this week is that creepy old buildings actually might be great places where you can meet friendly shapeshifting cats? That probably makes about as much sense as anything else, frankly.

Catra: “This feels a bit ridiculous, if I’m honest.”

Character checklist

The bulk of the episode is carried by Adora, Glimmer, Bow, Catra, Melog, Entrapta and Wrong Hordak.  There are a couple of shorter scenes on Etheria featuring Castaspella and Shadow Weaver, while Perfuma, Frosta, Netossa, Swift Wind and Sea Hawk also show up briefly.

Insults

Wrong Hordak describes Horde Prime as a “false ruler”, which doesn’t really count as an insult at all, but hey, you take what you can get in this series.

Oh No, Bow!

And once again, here’s Bow, being an insufferable prick with a whole host of twattish behaviours, all of them directed at Catra and here listed for easy reference:

• He starts by taking the piss out of Catra’s space helmet, which appears to have been specifically designed to accommodate her feline ears. I should note that Adora and Glimmer join in too.
• Shortly thereafter, he (and Glimmer) manhandle Catra into a weird chanty dance.
• Five minutes later, he’s engaging in some borderline pervy attempts at flirting revolving around saying her sneezing is cute. Bet he wouldn’t say that in a post-Covid world.
• He even says, “The angrier you get, the cuter you are,” which is a sentiment I believe should have died a death even before 1980s Bow sleazed onto the scene.
• Quite clearly against her will, he gives her an enormous hug while squealing “BEST FRIEND SQUAD!”

There are times I feel a Horde invasion is no more than these guys deserve.

Catra: “One more word, mister, and I’ll scratch your eyes out.”

Does it have the Power?

Right, well, let’s get the bad news out of the way first – Bow genuinely is a complete cock this week. I’ve been gradually losing patience with him for I don’t know how long, but his performance in this episode is enough to make me want to throttle him. His behaviour goes so far beyond gentle teasing that it’s bordering on out-and-out harassment. And he’s meant to be one of the good guys?

Otherwise, the episode is decent enough. I liked the creepy atmosphere as Adora and co. explored the ruins on Krytus, and I appreciated the callbacks to Filmation She-Ra with the Melog’s appearance and, indeed, its name – if I’m not mistaken, She-Ra faced up against a shapeshifter called a Malog in one of the classic episodes. The revelation that Horde Prime’s weakness is magic isn’t really the big rug-pull that the episode seems to want us to think it is, though: frankly, I had always rather anticipated that Horde Prime will be defeated by our heroes blasting loads of weird magical energy at him, and this just seems to prove it.

Still, this is a pleasant little episode that doesn’t do much wrong (except allow Bow to participate), and it finds the right balance between having a reasonable story of its own and keeping the big plot moving along. Not a classic, but not a miss either.

Episode 46 – The Perils of Peekblue

In which Sea Hawk reveals yet more of his innumerable enemies.

The Etheria storyline takes centre-stage this week, with a typically crazy Sea Hawk plan which involves the rebels making contact with Prince Peekablue, a secretive individual with the power of far-sight: i.e. he can see a really long way, and will thus be able to give the rebels info on where Adora and co. are.

Sea Hawk: “Don’t worry, there is a reason for this. Honestly, there is.”

Naturally, there’s a problem, and in this case it’s that Peekablue can only be seen at an exclusive underwater nightclub patronised primarily by Etheria’s criminal underworld. This is pleasingly mental, especially since it involves Sea Hawk, Mermista, Perfuma and Scorpia dressing up in 1920s outfits and blagging their way into said club. Unfortunately, once they get there, Sea Hawk notes that pretty much everyone in the room hates him and so he’ll have to hide. Consequently, even before things really go tits-up, things have kind of already gone tits-up.

Did I say things went tits-up? Right – that’s because Peekablue isn’t actually at the nightclub at all. Consequently, despite some excellent undercover work from Scorpia – who gets so into her role that she leaps up on stage and performs a jazzy song – the team don’t find him. Instead, they find Double Trouble, who gives them the intel that the Horde have set up a blockade around Etheria to prevent Adora’s return.

Scorpia: “A left-field career development, I’ll admit.”

This is fairly useful info, in fairness, but it’s perhaps not worth the cost of gathering it. Spinnerella, newly chipped and under Horde Prime’s control, has ensured that the night club is full of chipped Horde zombie-people, and in the ensuing fracas, Mermista and Scorpia get chipped too, though Perfuma, Sea Hawk and Double Trouble escape.

Meanwhile, back at the rebel camp, Spinnerella has been busy, infecting King Micah with Hordiness and then launching an attack on Netossa, Frosta and Swift Wind, who only just manage to get away. As the episode ends, Perfuma manages to get a message to Adora, warning her of the blockade, and suggesting she not come back to Etheria. Yeah, like that’s going to work, Perfuma. If you want Adora to do something, you have to tell her the exact opposite.

In today’s adventure…

Perfuma is good enough to spell it out this week, which is good, since it saves me the bother of trying to find a moral hidden here somewhere. Basically, the message is that you can do whatever you want, if you put your mind to it.

Perfuma: “I’m sorely tempted to put my mind to decking you, Sea Hawk.”

Character checklist

The lead performers today are Scorpia, Mermista, Perfuma, Sea Hawk and Double Trouble, and there’s a fair bit of screen time for Spinnerella, Netossa, Swift Wind, Frosta and King Micah. There are also lots of patrons of the underwater nightclub, including one who goes by the name of Swen – though luckily she’s nothing like the dreadful Filmation Swen who still occasionally haunts my dreams. Finally, we get a few scenes involving Adora, Glimmer, Bow, Catra, Entrapta and Wrong Hordak, just to ensure we hadn’t forgotten about them. As if we could.

Insults

Double Trouble, in  disguise as Prince Peekablue, describes everybody in the nightclub as “misfits of the sea, outlaws of the land”, though I feel this was meant to be affectionate rather than insulting. Otherwise, there are no insults here today.

Oh No, Bow!

Despite only appearing for about 45 seconds, Bow still manages to make a fool of himself by distracting Adora when she’s trying to become She-Ra. Okay, yes, Glimmer, Catra, Entrapta and Wrong Hordak distract her as well, but this section is called Oh No, Bow! for a reason. And that reason is that I hate him.

Adora: “Making that stupid simpering apologetic face isn’t going to save you from violence, Bow.”

Does it have the Power?

I have to admit, I was concerned. Of all the original series episodes to do an updated version of, The Perils of Peekablue is most definitely not the one I’d choose. Luckily, other than the re-use of the name, this episode bears no resemblance whatsoever to the rather dull original. In fact, it’s by far the most downright entertaining episode of this series for quite some time: the underwater undercover mission is great fun, with good comedy value from both Mermista and Sea Hawk, which is especially welcome after the disappointing efforts of Mer-Mysteries and Boys’ Night Out.

Once the comedy turns to drama, the episode is still bang on the money: Scorpia proves herself a worthy member of the rebellion both by being the one to discover Double Trouble and then by sacrificing herself to save the others. The action sequences are pleasingly riveting; there feels as though there’s a lot at stake here, and it’s fantastic that not everyone gets away unscathed, in fact resulting in a good third of the rebellion being now under Horde Prime’s control.

Mermista: “Don’t worry guys, it’s just some bangin’ new contact lenses.”

I have a slight worry that the chipping thing is a bit of a get out clause for the series no longer having any particular villains other than Horde Prime: Catra, Scorpia and Shadow Weaver are now turned to the rebels’ side, while Hordak seems to be out of the picture altogether. By turning our heroes evil – and also establishing via Catra that they can be turned good again – the writers have possibly missed a chance to introduce some genuinely nasty baddies: I had hoped, when the whole Horde armada appeared, that we might finally be going to meet Mantenna and Leech, but I’m not expecting that any more.

Still, in the confines of this episode, the chipping business works well; it may get tiresome in the future if we go down the route of “who’s been chipped today?” too often, but for now, it makes for exciting viewing. Indeed, I’d go so far as to pronounce this the best episode of the series since I don’t know when. Top marks.

Bonus Update: The Lost Episodes of Netflix She-Ra

Well, it’s April 1^st again, and we all know what that means – it’s time for me to make up some unfunny fake episodes. This year I’m not even going to pretend they’re real, because we all know the drill by now. So, without further ado, here’s some episodes of the Netflix She-Ra series that they didn’t make but really should have:

Oboe, No!

Bow suddenly gets it into his head that his name provides loads of opportunities for great puns and/or career changes, and we get to see him attempt to learn to play the oboe, join the band Elbow, get a guest appearance on Rainbow and deliver dull lectures about oxbow lakes. Eventually, Huntara gets fed up of him and shoots him with a crossbow.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Shouting Time

Adora and Catra get down to what they love best: screaming their lungs out at each other. There’s no particular provocation, but within 20 seconds of the episode starting they’re having a blazing row which doesn’t stop until the episode ends. Comedy lolz are provided by Glimmer, who finds herself trapped in a cupboard and can’t leave because Adora and Catra will see her.

Homeward Bound

Someone suddenly remembers that Adora isn’t from Etheria and that she popped through a portal from Eternia, a plot point which seemed to get forgotten towards the end of the series. Adora decides to seek out her home planet, but when she meets her twin brother and her moronic parents, she finds herself wishing she hadn’t bothered.

Whore-Dak

One of Horde Prime’s clones gets its programming wrong, with the sort of results that can be guessed from the episode’s title but which I’m not going to spell out.

Best Friend Squid

When Bow makes a simple pronunciation error in his irritating catchphrase one day, he accidentally conjures up a squid which is all too keen to be liked. The squid joins in with all the gang’s activities, despite repeated hints that its contributions are neither necessary nor welcome, until Mermista mysteriously offers to resolve the situation. The episode ends with a trip to Saelenius for a dinner party, the centrepiece of which is a large platter of calamari.

And that’s it. As ever, I should probably point out that this is an April Fool, just in case anyone gets excited about the prospect of these episodes actually existing.