Series Summary

So, after watching all 65 episodes of the most maligned chapter of He-Man’s history, what do I think? I think my attitude at the early stages was easy to divine – I wasn’t a fan, despite really genuinely trying to like it. There were moments when I seriously considered giving up. I’m very glad I didn’t, because there are real gems here, though I do think that overall the series is problematic, for a number of reasons.

The first such reason is He-Man himself, who unfortunately I didn’t like. He came across as a playground bully on more than one occasion, and very rarely seemed to have the good humour and strong moral core that his original incarnation did. When this He-Man did demonstrate morals, it always seemed to be with a holier-than-thou attitude that quickly became grating.

He-Man: “All right lads?”

Linked closely to He-Man is my second major problem with the series, which is the series’ over-reliance on magical solutions. Now, this is a difficult one, because of course Filmation’s He-Man and She-Ra were deeply rooted in magic as well, but – in most cases – there seemed to be a degree of internal consistency. In The New Adventures, the solution to some pretty thorny problems often consisted simply of He-Man shouting “I have the Power!” which operated like a kind of intergalactic trump card, making him win instantly and indisputably. It rather drained the tension somewhat. You’d be watching and instead of thinking, “How the hell is he going to get out of this one?” you’d think, “He’s going to draw that bloody sword and start bellowing in a minute.”

The third problem, which I think is shared by many people, is the scientists. Jesus Christ, they were annoying. I’m sure an awful lot of you will be itching to know the final score in the scientists’ little game where they competed for points to find out who was most infuriating, and I can here reveal that Elcon was the supreme victor with 33 points, Gepple came second with 27, Meldock was in close third with 25, and Krax proved the most innocuous with a mere 15. This is largely because Krax hardly ever appeared, and when he did, he remained largely silent.

Gepple: “It should have been me!”

In fairness, the deus ex machina problem and the scientists problem did lessen as the series went along, especially the scientists, who barely appeared at all in the last 15 episodes. The series in general did seem to find its feet, and I really noticed a vast improvement in quality once the planet Necron was introduced and the focus turned away from Primus. Most of the episodes from Balance of Power onwards were very good, and as noted, I really enjoyed the multi-part finale.

One of the things I really did like about this series was the increased sense of continuity. Filmation’s He-Man was incredibly episodic, and though She-Ra did feel a little more linked together, The New Adventures very definitely had a series direction and worked towards it. There may have been some missteps along the way, but far more so than with the other series, there’s a sense of a story here, which begins and ends satisfactorily.

If I’m going to single out a specific character for praise, it’s got to be Skeletor, which will come as no surprise to those people who know me. He’s got enough of his previous personality to be familiar, but this incarnation has a real edge to him, feeling like he’s only balanced precariously on the rim of sanity. His sarcasm is much appreciated, and he elevated many a dull episode.

Skeletor: “I’m honoured.”

So, before we move on to the 2002 Mike Young Productions cartoon, it’s time for me to select my top 5 and bottom 5 episodes of The New Adventures. Here we go …

Highlights

On re-reading my reviews for this section, I came across a pleasingly large number of episodes that I really enjoyed, and compiled a shortlist of about 15. It was rather difficult to narrow them down to the remaining five, which is something of a testament to the strength of this series. Interestingly, very few of these episodes came from the tail end of the series, even despite my statement that I felt there was a marked improvement in quality from Balance of Power onward. It’s strange that though the series in general was better towards the end, my nominees for actual individual highlights mostly came from the middle of the run.

5. A New Beginning – This has to be included for giving us a pleasingly competent introduction to the series, quickly explaining the concept of Primus, the Mutants and the Galactic Guardians, and also creating an instantly winningly mental incarnation of Skeletor. The icing on the cake, though, comes with Adam’s touching farewell to King Randor and Queen Marlena.

Queen Marlena: “Still wish I wasn’t so hunchbacked.”

4. The Final Invasion – If the first episode took fifth place, the last episode deserves fourth. It contains a fantastic scene when Skeletor finally shows his true colours to Flogg and the Mutants, and it also deserves a big thumbs-up for the fact that a plot twist actually caught me by surprise, for I think the only time in the entire series.

3. You’re In the Army Now – A great exploration of Prince Adam’s character, on a series not exactly full of character moments for Adam. It’s the only time that his absence during a baddy attack has actually come back to haunt him, and as such it’s a very different and entertaining episode.

2. The Bride of Slush Head – But if you want entertaining, you’ve got to watch The Bride of Slush Head. Aside from Rock to the Future, it’s the only time this series chose to loosen up and try something refreshingly round the twist, and it’s hugely appreciated. Very funny, and with a surprising amount of heart to it.

1. Four Ways to Sundown – And here we have what has to be the most stunningly innovative episode in the entire He-Man canon. It’s a simple concept: the same story is told from four different perspectives, showing the viewer very clearly how the memory can cheat and making a powerful statement on the value of eyewitness testimony. Hugely entertaining.

He-Man and Skeletor: “For once, we agree.”

Lowlights

I compiled a fair old list of these as well, though only 9 truly stood out as dreadful, most of which came pretty early on in the series. In general, when it wasn’t good, the series hit a low-level mediocrity rather than being teeth-grindingly awful, which is pleasing. Still, the following episodes did prove memorable, for all the wrong reasons.

5. Queen’s Gambit – A prime example of an episode that has no reason whatsoever to exist, and just serves to annoy the viewer with unwarranted bollocks about the power of the good and the way of the magic. The stupid gibbering about drugs in the moral segment didn’t help either.

4. The Galactic Guardians – Hello, consumer. Buy these toys. Buy them now. Yours sincerely, Mattel. PS. Would you like an interesting story, perhaps one which gives you any kind of reason to become invested in the characters these toys represent? Well, tough titties.

He-Man: “We’re all available at the very reasonable price of $5.99 each. Except Gepple and Krax, but who’d want them?”

3. The Heat – This one was the middle episode of the opening 5-parter, and it gave us a thoroughly unwelcome 20 minute examination of exactly why the scientists are among the most grating characters in all of fiction. It didn’t progress the overall plot, and instead focussed on four infuriating idiots shouting at each other in nails-on-a-blackboard voices. No thanks.

2. He-Man in Exile – This one was also the middle episode of a 5 part story, and it was by turns dull and annoying, mostly falling on the annoying side of the scales. Everything about it rubbed me up the wrong way, most notably the scientists, the Sorceress and He-Man himself. I seem to recall thinking at that point in the series that perhaps I ought to just walk away.

1. He-Fan – But the absolute worst episode came towards the middle of the series, with this instalment, which was unfortunately painful to watch. I know Arlene was written to be annoying, but the writer succeeded all too well, resulting in an episode that I came to despise within all of two minutes. Ironically, even the most dedicated He-Fan would be well advised to skip this one.

He-Man: “We are very much not amused.”

Conclusion

I think it would be a little strong if I said I were sorry The New Adventures is over, but I equally wouldn’t be sorry if there were a second season to watch. It’s a decent series that doesn’t deserve its poor reputation, though I can’t in good conscience say that I absolutely loved it. Let’s see if the Mike Young Productions adventures fare any better …

Episode 65 – The Final Invasion

In which I learn not to criticise things before I’ve seen the end.

Oh, good God. This episode opens with He-Man and his merry band of idiots preparing to return to Primus, but Royka and Muldon capture them and place in a cell in the underground complex where the monsters were last week. If the writer of these episodes is still reading these reviews, he must have been laughing his absolute arse off when I complained last week that this would have made a better twist. Seems I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

So, with our heroes captured, Royka and Muldon are generous enough to show up and explain what’s really going on. The underground complex is known as the Zoo of Champions, and the Galactic Guardians are the prize exhibits. In fact, they’re currently the only exhibits, given Skeletor released all the other exhibits last week.

He-Man: “Me and the lads, we’re not impressed with this turn of events.”

The Mutant mothership is orbiting the planet, monitoring communications. On learning that the Galactic Guardians are safely locked up, Flogg suggests an attack on Primus, which sounds like a splendid notion. Skeletor is slightly concerned about He-Man’s inevitable escape, but he comes up with a plan to counter that pretty smartish, and punctuates it with some demented laugher.

Skeletor is quite correct, of course: He-Man busts his way out of the cell in the very next scene, and he and his friends barrel up to the surface, where they quickly locate the Starship Eternia. There’s just time for a touching goodbye with Royka and Muldon, who explain that all they really wanted is for people to be their friends. Such a good plan, guys: lock people up in your basement and claim you want to be friends. There’s nothing creepy about that at all.

Flipshot: “So guys, while we’re locked in this basement, why don’t we entertain ourselves by drawing a moustache on Spinwit?”

He-Man suggests that maybe Royka and Muldon should just try being nice to people, which seems not to have occurred to them. They enthusiastically promise to give this simplistic advice a try, and so our heroes zoom off to save Primus. And not a moment too soon: the mothership has rendezvoused with the rest of the Mutant fleet, as well as Critta and the Gleanon space force. Together, the baddies defeat Levitan and land ground troops all over Primus.

Luckily, Mara and the Mites are on hand to fight back against Critta and the Gleanons, but they’re not an awful lot of use and get defeated very quickly. He-Man and the crew of the Starship Eternia are now the only hope for Primus – but they’re still a considerable distance away. Wondering what he can do, He-Man receives a telepathic communication from the ever-helpful Sorceress, who advises him that his destiny is to participate in the battle. Well, whoop-de-do.

The Sorceress: “You didn’t think I’d miss my last chance to show up and be pointlessly cryptic, did you?”

True to the Sorceress’ word, the Starship Eternia arrives back at Primus just as Master Sebrien is about to surrender. The tables are quickly turned, and Skeletor does a runner, while Flogg, Slush Head and Quake come out with their hands up. Flogg even agrees a treaty with the Galactic Guardians, promising that he and the Mutants will never again attack Primus.

Naturally, this peaceful resolution doesn’t go down well with Skeletor, who reappears in a puff of smoke. He finally reveals his true colours to Flogg, making it clear that he’s been using the Mutants all along, and is exasperated that Flogg has now simply given up. The erstwhile allies confront each other – but just as Flogg is about to shoot Skeletor, Critta intervenes to save him. Flogg and the other Mutants depart, while Skeletor teleports himself, Critta, He-Man and Mara to the ruins through which Dreadator chased Drissy and Caz some time ago. See, I was paying attention.

Flogg: “This close-up of me is a little much.”

So, Mara and Critta have themselves another of their little catfights, while He-Man and Skeletor throw rocks at each other. Eventually, and not unexpectedly, Skeletor and Critta end up trapped in a small spaceship together, which He-Man then hurls into outer space. He-Man declares that Skeletor is finally defeated, and peace is restored to Primus.

Meanwhile, out in space, Skeletor declares that he will return one day to defeat He-Man, which we all know is not quite correct, since this is the final episode of this series, and I’m pretty sure the remaining series’ we have left are all reboots. Anyway, Skeletor also finally succumbs to complete insanity and laughs crazily as the episode fades out. I’m sure Critta must be pleased she’s trapped forever with this giggling maniac.

Critta: “Oh God, what have I done?”

In today’s adventure…

The only moral lesson we learn this week is that if it’s the final episode of the series, there doesn’t need to be a moral lesson. Which is fine, since if there had been one, it would undoubtedly have been all about drugs anyway, which would have got on my tits immensely.

Character checklist

In this finale, we’ve got He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Spinwit, Kale, Mara, Master Sebrien, Caz, the Sorceress, Skeletor, Critta, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake, BH, Optikk, Hoov, Royka, Muldon, and naturally the Mites and the Gleanons. And not the scientists, who have made a rather ignominious departure from the series.

Master Sebrien: “Well pleased Netflix have finally added The New Adventures of He-Man.”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

I can’t remember when the last time Prince Adam appeared was. I wish I’d known at the time that we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I’d have waved him goodbye.

Insults

We’re treated to quite a lot of insults this week, starting with Slush Head daringly describing Flogg as a “moron” and an “imbecile”. Flogg simply tells him to shut up at the time, but he later on exacts his vengeance by calling Slush Head a “worthless lily-livered lizard”, which is an excellent insult that I shall try to work into my everyday conversation. Flogg also refers to some of the Galactic Guardians as “puny”, but gets his comeuppance later when Skeletor calls him a “fool” and a “coward”. And finally, Skeletor calls He-Man a “big boy”. Now, it may just be me, but it sounds like the voice actor puts an unnervingly erotic edge to his voice with this line, which conjured up a whole mental place that I didn’t want to go to.

Skeletor: “You don’t have to haul such big rocks around to impress me.”

Does it have the Power?

Without a doubt. It’s nice for me to be proven wrong so extravagantly. I felt so stupid when the twist came at the beginning of this episode and it turned out that Royka and Muldon did have an ulterior motive after all. I think it’s the first time I’ve really been blindsided by this series, and it was a very pleasing feeling. Perhaps the resolution to this storyline came a bit too quickly; it seems a little unlikely that Royka and Muldon would simply decide to be nice people, but it wasn’t a massive problem, since we had to fit a lot more into this story.

I do have to wonder, of course, whether the news of the series’ cancellation came unexpectedly to the writers. The plot with Royka and Muldon and the Games could easily have been stretched out to fill the second half of this episode too, and it would most likely have made a very satisfying season finale. It feels as though perhaps this was the original plan, but when it emerged there would be no second season, the writer amended this episode to finish the series.

It’s a pretty satisfactory wrap-up, only suffering slightly from seeming a little rushed. I really liked it that Flogg and the Mutants knew when they were beaten and agreed to surrender; there may well be hope for them. In contrast to Skeletor’s henchmen in Filmation, the Mutants have rarely seemed actively evil, just a bit misguided – especially Slush Head.

Flogg: “I hereby promise to never be evil again.”

I also, of course, loved Skeletor finally breaking cover and telling Flogg what he really thought of him. I do wish we’d had a bit more time for this part of the episode, since I was really enjoying it and it was over too fast. He-Man and Mara having their final confrontation with Skeletor and Critta was great, and Skeletor’s ultimate fate was very pleasing.

This episode is an excellent end to The New Adventures of He-Man, finishing all of the dangling plotlines effectively, while still leaving the series open to a possible return. If you’ve stuck through the series this far, you certainly won’t be disappointed in its end.

Episode 64 – Flogg’s Revenge

In which He-Man’s dinner gets interrupted.

Oh right. Contrary to my evidently ill-informed claim at the end of last week’s episode, the Games storyline hasn’t ended. We begin this week with the hosts – who are called Royka and Muldon – presenting the Galactic Guardians with laurel wreaths and inviting them to dinner. For quite a while, I thought Royka was called Riker, which conjured up unwelcome memories of everyone’s favourite sleazy first officer of the Starship Enterprise.

He-Man: “Finally, someone recognises my awesomeness.”

Anyway, this may come as something of a surprise, but Skeletor hasn’t taken losing the Games in a good grace. Instead, he’s formulated a new and non-too-subtle plan: while the Galactic Guardians are having their dinner in the Great Hall, he will send an astrosub packed with transium ore on autopilot to crash into the Hall, thus causing an enormous explosion and wiping out He-Man once and for all (TM).

As He-Man and the others eat, they become aware that Royka and Muldon are hiding something: something to do with other inhabitants on the planet. Skeletor, Flogg, Hoov and Quake – who are inexplicably hanging around outside the Great Hall, rather than getting on with their plan to blow it up – discover a trapdoor and a ladder leading underground, and being of a curious bent, decide to descend to check out what’s down there.

Skeletor: “Have we accidentally wandered into an episode of TMNT?”

Intriguingly, they discover a huge underground complex, full of small cells in which alien monsters are being held. There’s also an old man who guards the cells, and it doesn’t take long before Skeletor bullies him into handing over the keys. The Mutants unlock the cells, set the monsters on the rampage, and depart, only then getting round to firing the astrosub at the Great Hall.

Royka and Muldon detect the astrosub’s approach, but before Team He-Man can fly off to intercept, the alien monsters show up in the Great Hall. He-Man amusingly says, “Who are these guys?” as if they’re a bunch of uninvited guests who’ve crashed a party, rather than a rampaging mob of ravening beasts, and Royka explains that they are prisoners from previous attacks on the planet. Once that’s been established, it’s time for a good old rumble, which of course our heroes win.

Kale: “This is the last time I let Flipshot talk me into going on a double date.”

With the aliens subdued, He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot take the Starship Eternia into the air to try to stop the astrosub. He-Man is of course instrumental here: he leaps from the Eternia onto the astrosub and brings it to a safe landing. He considers that to be the end of that, but the Mutants start shooting at him, keeping him busy while Skeletor and Flogg enter the Great Hall and take Kale, Spinwit, Royka and Muldon captive.

Skeletor gets on Facetime to inform He-Man of the prisoners, and offers to fight He-Man in the arena. If He-Man wins, the hostages will be freed; if Skeletor wins … well, he doesn’t specify what happens then, presumably because he’s got a pretty good idea what the outcome will be. And so it proves: He-Man defeats Skeletor with ease, and our heroes return to their interrupted dinner.

He-Man: “It’s cold now.”

In today’s adventure…

He-Man advises us that though competing with others is good, it’s most important to have fun, rather than being so focussed on winning that you end up hurting yourself. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is borderline relevant to today’s story, which makes for a very special occasion indeed.

Character checklist

Here we have He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Spinwit, Kale, Royka, Muldon, Skeletor, Flogg, Hoov, Quake, and of course the guard of the alien monsters. Who could forget him?

He-Man: “Come on gang, look cool. This is a great photo op for our 2022 calendar.”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

He’s not seen or mentioned, and he’s only got one more chance to appear. So exciting!

Insults

Flogg calls Spinwit a “dimwit”, which is such an obvious choice of insult that I’m astounded it hasn’t been used before. Hoov addresses one of the alien monsters as an “ugly one” and describes another as “strong, but not too bright”. And He-Man seems to have figured out that it’s okay to call Skeletor a “bonehead” before the watershed, since he’s doing it virtually every week by now.

Does it have the Power?

It’s decent, don’t get me wrong, but it could have been a lot better. The scene at the dinner table when our heroes deduced that Royka and Muldon were hiding something about other inhabitants on the planet was pretty sinister, and since it then cut to Skeletor and co. discovering a jail full of aliens, I was beginning to suspect that Royka and Muldon had been holding the Games for many years and capturing the victors for some nefarious purpose. This would have been a great twist, but instead the episode went for a very simple explanation which just led to yet another He-Man/Skeletor confrontation that had absolutely no tension to it, since we all know that Skeletor’s never going to win. So let’s call it a bit of a missed opportunity, but for what it is, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Bonus Update: The Lost Episodes of The New Adventures of He-Man

Well, would you believe it? I’ve unearthed the plots to some undeveloped episodes of The New Adventures of He-Man. And just in time for April Fools’ Day. What a coincidence. Right – on the off chance that anyone besides me finds this funny, here we go:

He-Man 1990

A freak wormhole opens in the space-time continuum, and a copy of the He-Man: 1990 Annual falls through it. Flogg suffers a major identity crisis, given he is referred to throughout the annual as Brakk, and he can’t work out which is his real name.

The Library of Biblos

In the greatest library in the universe, Prince Adam is working as the librarian – but occasionally he gets flashes of another life, a life in which he has a secret identity as He-Man, Protector of Primus. Plagued by enigmatic telepathic communications from a weird bird woman calling herself the Sorceress, Adam must work out what has happened to him and which life is his real one! (Spoilers: it’s not the one where he’s a librarian.)

Flipshot’s Felony

A newsflash arrives in Master Sebrien’s office, informing him that Flipshot is wanted by the intergalactic police. Flipshot must clear his name – or be taken to the most notorious jail in the Tri-Solar Galaxy! Notably, He-Man, Hydron and Master Sebrien do nothing to help Flipshot, on the basis that he’s a dick.

Cassandra

When the Sorceress’ messages suddenly start making sense, He-Man begins to suspect that Skeletor is intercepting her communications and refashioning them to suit his own purposes.

What’s the Good of the Power, if Magic is not the Way?

He-Man decides to revamp his stupid catchphrase, resulting in an unexpectedly deep – if entirely meaningless – question. While the inhabitants of Primus ponder this philosophical puzzle, they forget to turn their shield on, leaving the planet open to a Mutant assault…

Episode 63 – The Games

In which Flipshot gets a well-deserved kick in the shin.

Right, well, let’s hope this one can prove better than the last He-Man episode entitled The Games, which featured Skeletor burrowing around in a massive drill for no reason whatsoever, while Spikor demonstrated how incredibly infuriating he is. I think there’s a decent chance of an improvement, but the initial scene isn’t promising, since it simply consists of He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot and Kale watching previous episodes (The Sheriff of Gorn City?) on DVD, before concluding that they are ready to take on the Mutants in the Games.

Flipshot: “Let’s watch Dirty Dancing now.”

So off they go, bellowing stupid and immodest sentiments about how they’re going to win. Their first stop is to rendezvous with Spinwit, who will be joining them for the Games. Unfortunately, Spinwit has received a distress call from an asteroid, which quickly turns out to be a Mutant trap, set by Optik and that Mutant whose name I didn’t know, here revealed to be Hoov, which rings vague bells now I’ve heard it. Anyway, Spinwit crashes on the asteroid and is unable to make his appointment with He-Man and the other gamesters, instead spending his time fixing his ship and being attacked by some big roaring idiot monsters.

He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot and Kale arrive at the venue, and instantly begin playing a game which is essentially a zero-gravity version of bulldogs, and as such looks rather fun. The Mutants win this first round, and the two teams proceed on to a much less enticing game – walking a narrow bridge over a chasm. This is the sort of unimaginative contest at which Team He-Man excels, and they win easily.

Hydron: “Just hanging around, guys.”

With the Games tied, the hosts announce the final challenge: somewhere within the gaming arena is hidden a golden ring, and the first team to find it will win. The Mutants don’t seem interested in this contest, instead choosing to simply attack our heroes, who are losing until Spinwit makes a grand re-entrance to the episode and saves the day.

With the Mutants out of action, Kale and Flipshot find the golden ring, and in a last-minute twist, the hosts of the Games turn out to be a pair of small loonies who were disguised as squelchy green aliens. I’m really not sure why we’re supposed to care about this twist, but on the plus side, one of the short dudes does gratuitously kick Flipshot in the shins, which pleased me immensely.

He-Man: “You know, I’ve wanted to do that for 64 episodes now.”

In today’s adventure…

Shut the fuck up about drugs, He-Man. That is all.

Character checklist

This little adventure brings to our attention He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Spinwit, Kale, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Optikk, Hoov, and the Games Masters. There are also illusory versions of Caz and Drissy. I’m not sure how long it’s been since we saw the real versions, not that I particularly mind their absence.

Skeletor: “Optikk, this may be the first and last time you get featured in a picture on Owen’s website. Try to look your best.”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

No sign of him again, not that his absence is any great loss. I wonder if we’ll ever see him again.

Insults

Spinwit kicks things off by referring to the monsters on the asteroid as “mangy asteroid mutts”, which is pretty imaginative. Less imaginative is Skeletor bellowing “fool” at Optik, but since it’s well-deserved, we’ll let him off. I’m not sure who it is who shouts “suckers” at the Mutants, but I think it was Flipshot, and if so he gets his comeuppance shortly thereafter when Kale sarcastically refers to him as “hotshot”. Finally, one of the two disguised loonies addresses the other one as “Mr High-and-Mighty”, which I don’t think was meant politely.

Spinwit: “This guy looks like a typical Eternian.”

Does it have the Power?

I don’t normally comment on the quality of the animation, as it’s the storylines I find most interesting, and that’s perhaps just as well in The New Adventures of He-Man, since the animation is really pretty terrible in general. This week, however, deserves special mention with a couple of really odd continuity errors involving Skeletor. In an early scene, he’s inexplicably hovering high above the Mutants’ heads, and during the bulldogs game, we cut between shots in such a way as to make it look like he’s in two places at once.

Apart from that, this episode doesn’t quite deliver after the build-up of the last three episodes, but it’s not bad. As so often, the first half of the episode seems quite irrelevant to the second; in this case we concentrate on Spinwit’s adventures on the asteroid for a fairly inordinate length of time, which takes away from the time we could have spent at the Games, and as a consequence, the contests seem a bit rushed. The reveal of the small guys at the end seems bizarre as well; it’s like the writer thought there needed to be a twist to the tale, but didn’t know exactly what, and went for something that didn’t quite have the gravity needed. Perhaps it was meant to be played for laughs – I’m not sure.

Anyway, I’m going to chalk this up as good but not great, worth watching for the conclusion to the Games storyline, and if nothing else, it’s far superior to the Filmation He-Man episode of the same name.

Episode 62 – A Time to Leave

In which the Galactic Guardians try to rid themselves of the dead weight that is Flipshot.

We begin with a little sequence in which Hydron, Flipshot and Kale are practicing shooting at each other with the new weapons that Yalt gave them last week. In the course of this session, Flipshot says the first intelligent thing he’s ever said: “I’m not crazy about practicing with live ammunition.” It genuinely beggars belief that these guys would shoot live rounds at each other just to practice – I always thought He-Man was a pretty strict Health & Safety kind of guy. I suppose maybe Hydron and Kale are only pretending they’re practicing: in reality, they’re attempting to murder Flipshot. I’d have the utmost sympathy.

Flipshot: “Guys? I thought we were friends?”

Anyway, Beamo now pipes up, pointing out that the most direct route to the Games will take the Galactic Guardians past the planet Necron, where they will stop for two purposes. The first of these purposes is so that He-Man can ogle Mara in her new outfit, but the second – more important – one is so the Galactic Guardians can receive some training from Wolk, a former Mite gladiator of great renown and enormous skill.

As He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot and Kale depart Primus, Mara and President Pel decide to pay Wolk a quick preparatory visit. This proves ill-advised, since Wolk turns out to be a giant with a short temper and only incredibly rudimentary language skills. “Raaaaaaaa!” appears to be the limit of his vocabulary – that is, until Mara turns on the charm, at which point Wolk states he will consider training the Galactic Guardians.

Wolk: “Well, since you ask so politely.”

While Wolk is doing his considering, Skeletor materialises in front of Wolk and makes him an offer. It’s not an enormously enticing offer, to be honest – I can’t see what’s in it for Wolk – but the upshot is that Wolk will pretend to agree to train the Galactic Guardians, but will instead lead them into a trap at the Maze of Lume, an ancient labyrinth on the top of a virtually inaccessible mountain.

Once our heroes enter the maze, they are swiftly ambushed, and the episode treats us to a number of reasonably exciting fights between the Galactic Guardians, the Gleanons, the Mutants, Skeletor, and Wolk himself. Interestingly, Wolk doesn’t prove to be much of a threat, thus begging the question of how much the Guardians really thought they were going to learn from him.

Naturally enough, our heroes defeat all comers easily, but being a bit dim, they manage to get themselves lost in the maze. This is Skeletor’s cue to try a different tack: he instructs Critta to demolish the entire mountain, sealing the goodies inside. Critta readily obliges, but before she can enact this dastardly plot, Mara and the Mite space force arrive. The Mutants give up and run away without much of a struggle, leaving He-Man to emerge from the maze and try to sleaze his way into Mara’s pants.

He-Man: “Hey Mara, wanna see my creepy face?”

 

In today’s adventure…

Flipshot is polishing his motor (not a euphemism), and He-Man comes along and congratulates him on what a good job he’s done. It would be so nice for Flipshot if it ended there, but of course, he’s got his reputation as the biggest moron on Primus to uphold. Consequently, he hurls a spray can into an incinerator, causing an explosion. This leads He-Man to deliver a hilariously specific moral: don’t throw spray cans into incinerators. Perhaps realising that this is a bit mental, he goes on to elaborate that we must always read the label on any cans, boxes, packages, etc, as they will give us instructions for safe usage. This is less mental, but also less amusing.

 

Character checklist

This one’s got He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Kale, Mara, Beamo, President Pel, Wolk, Master Sebrien, Werban, Skeletor, Critta, Flogg, Optik, and plenty of Mites and Gleanons. You know who hasn’t been here for weeks and weeks? Meldock, Elcon, Gepple and Krax, that’s who, and their absence seems to mysteriously coincide with a dramatic upturn in the quality of the series.

Master Sebrien: “This guy to my right might look a bit like Meldock, but rest assured, he definitely isn’t.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

He’s not here this week, which is a shame, since Mara’s the only one who’s ever got close to guessing the Adam/He-Man dichotomy. It would have been nice to hear him try to cover his tracks with her one last time.

 

Insults

Flogg casually encompasses the entire population of Primus with “wimps”, while Wolk addresses Mara and President Pel as “fools”. We’re also lucky enough to bear witness to He-Man calling Skeletor the relatively ubiquitous “bonehead”.

 

Does it have the Power?

Yup, it’s another winner. The set-up in the first half is perhaps better than the payoff in the maze, but both halves of the episode are good. Despite only having appeared in the last 10 episodes or so, Necron already seems a much more well-developed concept than Primus: we have a sense of history to the planet, evident in such constructions as the Maze of Lune, which is pretty lacking on Primus. The maze itself promised much but ultimately delivered only a basic labyrinth, with none of the pits and traps that would have graced such a location on Eternia or Etheria.

Hydron: “Flipshot, you know your stupid wings? Why don’t you use them and just fly above this maze?”

But still, there wasn’t really time this week to go dawdling round a maze falling into trapdoors and the like: the focus was on the Wolk plot and the eventual ambush. Critta was wonderful as always, and Skeletor was entertaining. Flogg has never elevated himself above dull – and I strongly suspect that with only three episodes to go, he never will – but he’s passable at least. Wolk faded into the background as the story went on, which seemed a shame, especially since I never really got a grip on what his motivation was.

So, in summary, I liked this. It was action-packed, and the fight scenes were fun and engaging. There was good character work, and it moved along both the continuing storylines of Necron and the Games. In short, it’s a good one.

Episode 61 – The Blacksmith of Crelus

In which the gang get some new hardware.

Flogg has taken the Mutants on a shopping trip to Gorn City to buy some new weapons for use against the Galactic Guardians in the Games. Unfortunately, Argos have all sold out, Poundland is beyond their budget, and Sainsbury’s refuse service because the Mutants have forgotten their IDs. In frustration, the Mutants get into a bar brawl with an alien, who happens to be packing some pretty buzzin’ hardware. I am so down with the kids today. Just look at me casually slipping this street lingo into my review.

Flogg: “How shocking. And yes, it’s a bad joke. Sue me.”

Anyway, the alien reveals that he got his great weapons from Yalt, the blacksmith of Crelus, and so off the Mutants go to Crelus. I’m fairly confident that even if they buy an entire nuclear arsenal from Yalt, it wouldn’t give the Mutants the advantage over He-Man, even if he didn’t know they were coming. Still, just in case you were worried, Meliak is in the bar and overhears the conversation, so he gets on the phone to He-Man and warns him, so I imagine this little charade is already basically over.

He-Man takes Hydron and Flipshot with him on his mission. I’ve been wondering why He-Man always involves Flipshot, given he’s a complete cock, and I’ve finally realised that it’s because He-Man is also a complete cock, but he’s hoping having Flipshot along will divert attention away from him. Unsurprisingly, this theory goes unconfirmed throughout the series, but you know I’m right.

Flipshot: “Why is He-Man spending this journey standing ominously behind us?”

Skeletor and the Mutants find Yalt first, and it turns out that he is only willing to make weapons for good people. Unfortunately, as well as being very principled, Yalt is also very credulous, and so it isn’t hard for Skeletor to persuade Yalt that the Mutants are the goodies, and so Yalt forges some shiny new weapons for Flogg, Optik and that other guy whose name I have never managed to pick up. Yalt promises more weapons will be ready by nightfall, so the Mutants head back to their ship to wait.

He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot and a dude called Kale finally arrive on Crelus, after an interlude with some missiles which involved He-Man having to go for one of his notorious space walks. I got livid when She-Ra did this, and for a while I got even angrier when New He-Man started it. Now I’m just opting for tired acceptance.

Anyway, there’s no need to dwell on that now. The important thing is that when He-Man and his posse show up, Yalt immediately assumes that they are baddies and attacks them. Luckily, He-Man is able to prove how good he is, and so poor old Yalt is set to work pimping up Hydron, Flipshot and Kale’s weapons. Once he’s finished, it’s nightfall, and the Mutants return, at which point there’s an almighty rumble.

Yalt: “You know what, I don’t care how good you are. Skeletor and his lot asked first.”

During the battle, Flipshot accidentally makes a huge hole in the roof of Yalt’s house with his new weapons. Luckily, no one was particularly relying on Flipshot, and the battle ends when Skeletor breaks his Havoc Staff and immediately does a runner. Flogg and the rest of the Mutants follow, leaving He-Man to deliver a sanctimonious lecture to Yalt about how sometimes evil pretends to be good. Yalt ignores him, instead opting to give Flipshot a lesson in how to use his new weapon.

In today’s adventure…

Hydron and Flipshot deliver a timely and relevant moral about how to use a ladder safely. When I say “timely and relevant”, I of course mean anything but.

Character checklist

On this little jaunt, we’ve got He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Kale, Master Sebrien, Meliak, Yalt, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Optik, that nameless Mutant, and the alien in the bar who kicks the whole thing off.

Yalt: “BY GRATHOR’S HAMMER …. oh sorry, wrong franchise.”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam doesn’t see fit to show his face this week, which is just as well, because he’d only be blathering to Master Sebrien anyway. I don’t like Master Sebrien, so the less excuse he’s got to show up, the better.

Insults

When Flogg and the Mutants get into a brawl with the alien in Gorn City, there’s a fair few insults flying about. The alien refers to Skeletor as “bonehead” and spits out “drones” to Flogg and that Mutant whose name I don’t know. Flogg retaliates with “needle-nose” and “space weasel”, both of which are pretty good by Flogg’s usual standards.

Alien: “Yeah, that’s fair.”

Yalt addresses He-Man as “evil one”, which He-Man takes in his stride. Finally, there’s a two-for-one offer when Flogg states that Yalt is “all muscle, no brain”, to which Skeletor retorts that it “takes one to know one”.

Does it have the Power?

This one is a very solid entry, the vast majority of which goes by entertainingly. I liked the continuity that ties this episode into the wider Games plot that started last week, and I also liked the story of both Skeletor and He-Man vying for the powerful weapons of a mysterious blacksmith, a plot which felt fresh and interesting. There may be nothing of any true brilliance here, but for the most part it’s a good, decent episode.

But – and of course there’s always a but – the problem with the episode is the scene where the Starship Eternia blunders into a trap set by the Mutants, and winds up being chased by thousands of tiny but powerful missiles. The scene is actually very good: it’s tense, exciting, and a new and different threat. The problem is, as ever, the resolution: He-Man goes outside the ship, bellows “I have the Power!” and shoots a beam of light, which makes the missiles follow that instead. It’s just too easy and requires no logical thought. Our heroes ought to be using their brains to evade and escape such traps – not just shouting gibberish and using deus ex machinas.

Frankly, this is not a major part of this episode, but it is a symptom of the general problem that I have with this series. If you can look past it this week, then you’ll be rewarded with an entertaining episode, which is definitely worth watching.

Episode 60 – The Call to the Games

In which Star Wars erupts over Primus.

A close cousin of the Death Star approaches Primus, and naturally everyone gets very panicked when it starts shooting. Artilla, Sagittar, Spinwit and some new boy called Vizar lead the defence in the Starship Colossus, while He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot take the Starship Eternia to provide backup. All our heroes are really cross that the Mutants have managed to build such a powerful new ship – except He-Man, who theorises that the Mutants might not be behind it.

What do you know, he’s right. I was so surprised you could have knocked me down with a packet of crisps. Heaven forbid He-Man be wrong. Anyway, another Death Star is even now attacking the Mutants, and they’re fighting back with their usual degree of efficiency i.e. they’re losing. This battle rips off Star Wars so much that there’s even a bit where a Mutant fighter flies down a trench along the top of the Death Star. I’ll be generous and class this as an affectionate homage rather than shameless copyright theft. Hopefully George Lucas’ lawyers did likewise.

Mutant: “Does this seem in any way familiar to moviegoers?”

After treating us to a long and potentially irrelevant space battle, both Death Stars suddenly call off the assault, instead contacting the Primans and the Mutants and instructing them to follow as the Death Stars leave. The Starship Eternia and the Mutant mothership thus arrive at a rendezvous point, at which point the Death Star owners engage in a marvellous display of pointlessness and teleport both ships to the planet Denebria.

Both ships emerge from the teleportation entirely bereft of power, and as such start to be pulled down to the surface of Denebria. Luckily, He-Man goes out for a spacesuit-less walk on the Eternia’s hull and does some incomprehensible jiggery-pokery to allow the Eternia to land relatively safely. Over on the mothership, Skeletor also crawls around in the vacuum of space and similarly lands the ship without crashing, or at least without crashing too badly.

Flipshot: “Oh look. He-Man’s out in space again. Perfectly normal.”

Both ships have fortuitously landed very close to each other, so Skeletor and Flogg are kind enough to fill up some more of the episode’s runtime by shooting at He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot. This tedious waste of time goes on for a little while, before the Death Stars reappear in the sky and announce that they have arranged for the Galactic Guardians and the Mutants to battle each other as part of the Games, a gladiatorial contest which will be held shortly on the Death Stars’ home world.

Skeletor and Flogg readily accept. He-Man officially registers his disapproval at the notion of blood sports, and unofficially starts drooling at the prospect of smashing Skeletor’s skull to smithereens. Once both sides have agreed to participate, they are allowed to depart for Primus and Moon Nordor, to await further instructions on when and where the Games will take place.

Skeletor: “Just chilling and enjoying the show.”

 

In today’s adventure…

I’m on the edge of my seat here. Will it be drugs again? No, it’s not. We’re back in the realms of the relatively sane. Flipshot borrows Hydron’s basketball without asking, and accidentally throws it into the incinerator. Hydron sounds like he couldn’t care less, as he monotonously recites that we must respect other people’s property. I sometimes get the impression that Hydron’s voice actor is only involved in this series as some kind of bizarre public humiliation imposed on him for an act of petty criminality.

 

Character checklist

Roll up, roll up, it’s Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Spinwit, Sagittar, Artilla, Vizar, Caz, Beamo, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, that green Mutant whose name I’ve never learned and probably now never will. There’s also the Death Stars, who possibly count as characters in their own right.

Artilla: “Still a bit nervous in case that Great One dude pops up again.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

When the alarm sounds, Adam is hanging out with Caz and Beamo, and naturally enough he doesn’t want them to see him transform. He neatly solves this conundrum by saying, “Caz, you stay with Beamo.” Nobody says, “Yeah, and why don’t you stay with us too, you idiot?”

 

Insults

The only insult uttered in the episode is He-Man calling Skeletor “bonehead”, which is fairly standard. I’d like to add a comment that is not really an insult, more of an observation: the new Galactic Guardian Vizar has a fucking terrifying voice. He sounds like an evil mastermind working undercover. If I were He-Man, I wouldn’t trust him.

Vizar: “Glad to join the team. Sorry I’m a bit late in the series.”

 

Does it have the Power?

I’m happy to report that we have here another winner. Despite a tad too long spent on the various battle scenes, which do begin to plod, the episode rattles along pretty entertainingly. It’s all setup, of course, for when the Games actually do take place, which a sneak peek at the rest of the episode titles tells me will be in three weeks’ time.

Being honest, I don’t imagine this week’s instalment is strictly necessary, since nothing of note happens except to establish how powerful the Death Stars are and that they want our heroes and villains to participate in some games – which, as we’ll recall, was achieved easily enough within the first three minutes of Filmation episodes like The Arena and, uh, The Games. But since it’s fun, that’s easy to forgive. The one quibble is of course all the stupid trolling about in outer space without spacesuits. Christ, that gets my goat every time.

Episode 59 – There’s Gems in Them Hills

In which He-Man and Flipshot play fancy dress.

He-Man and the Galactic Guardians begin proceedings this week by capturing some green aliens identified as intergalactic renegades, and handing them over to Meliak, the Sheriff of Gorn City. Meliak locks the aliens up, but it doesn’t take long for Skeletor and the Mutants to show up and bust them out. Skeletor then informs the aliens that there are vast deposits of gemstones on Primus, in the hope that the aliens will attack Primus to get their hands on these non-existent gems.

He-Man: “Now, Meliak, can I trust you to keep these baddies locked up? Can I buggery.”

Alerted to the jailbreak, He-Man takes Flipshot, Artilla and Beamo to Denebria to try to recapture the aliens. Unfortunately, once they arrive, they find that Skeletor has stirred up the entire city with tales of the thousands of rhondial gems on Primus, with the result that all the townspeople are ready to fly to Primus to try to get a cut.

He-Man and Flipshot infiltrate the crowd wearing some rubbish disguises. He-Man in particular reminded me of Tom Cruise in Top Gun. On the other hand, it’s been 19 years since I last saw Top Gun, so it’s possible my memory is playing tricks on me. Anyway, they are swiftly unmasked and are forced to run away back to their ships, without having achieved a dicky bird.

Flipshot: “He-Man, we’re supposed to be incognito. Skeletor’s going to notice if you keep making the ‘wanker’ sign at him.”

In the meantime, Artilla is ambushed by bounty hunters, who inform him that his presence is required by a mysterious Great One. He is incapacitated and bundled into a ship which will take him home, but luckily – and probably rather embarrassingly – he is saved by Beamo, who manages to steal a gun and come rolling to the rescue. There’s every chance that this storyline is simply killing time, but the reference to the Great One is sufficiently interesting that I thought I’d better mention it in case it becomes relevant in a later episode.

Once Artilla and Beamo have finished escaping, they come barrelling along to save He-Man and Flipshot, who have been cornered at the space port. Beamo saves the day again, informing the alien renegades that the rhondial gems are actually on Moon Nordor, which comfortably diverts the aliens away from Primus. As a reward for his bravery and cunning, He-Man enlists Beamo into the ranks of the Galactic Guardians, and they finish the episode by standing around bellowing like halfwits.

Flipshot: “Don’t worry, He-Man, we won’t tell anyone if you flatten Beamo.”

In today’s adventure…

Jesus, it’s like being in a time warp here. He-Man and Flipshot – yet again – are blathering on about drugs. This time, we even get a crash course in how to identify dope dealers, and surprisingly, they do not necessarily look like short green aliens dressed in evil-looking cloaks. Why in the seven hells are we getting so many rabid drugs warnings? Was there genuinely a drugs epidemic sweeping the USA’s five year olds in 1991? I have my doubts.

Character checklist

Today’s outing features Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Artilla, Beamo, Meliak, Skeletor, Flogg, Critta, Slush Head, BH, Quake, Stackhorn, Optik, the big green aliens, and the bounty hunters.

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam makes his transformation in the presence of Master Sebrien, which – as usual – means he doesn’t have to concern himself with an excuse.

Prince Adam: “Tell me, Master Sebrien, did anyone ever ask who I am and what I’m doing here?”

Insults

The boss of the big green aliens refers to Flipshot as He-Man’s “puny friend”, but don’t worry – he later gets his comeuppance when Beamo tells him that he is “dumb” and a “dunce”. Flogg is also kind enough to inform all the renegades that they are “good-for-nothing”.

Does it have the Power?

It’s so weird how this series can veer from downright appalling to hugely entertaining in the space of two episodes, especially when both episodes are written by the same guy. After last time’s complete washout, we move on here to a really enjoyable action adventure, which sparkles with some great dialogue. The story moves along at a fair old clip, everyone gets something to do, and we’re subtly introduced to a potentially interesting back story for Artilla. He-Man isn’t annoying and doesn’t save the day with a deus ex machina – in fact, he doesn’t save the day at all. Beamo has the potential to be very irritating, but he isn’t in the slightest, which is a testament to the writing and the voice acting. And everyone’s favourite villain, Skeletor, is back on form with some extremely cutting sarcasm. What’s not to like?

Episode 58 – Queen’s Gambit

In which we get an unnecessary repeat of a pretty recent episode.

Two episodes ago, in Save Our City, I voiced the opinion that we’d seen the last of the Necron storyline. Now, as if to prove me wrong, it’s back, with a nice and implausible plan from Skeletor and Flogg. They’ve spent God knows how long chiselling a skull-shaped meteor out of incredibly hard rock, which they then launch in the direction of Primus. The Galactic Guardians are naturally concerned and head out in the Starship Eternia to destroy the meteor, which proves to be rather difficult.

He-Man: “Maybe if they hadn’t bothered making it into a skull shape, we’d have had even less time to prepare for it?”

While He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot are so occupied, Critta reorganises the Gleanons into an allegedly really good army, which will be capable of defeating the Mites easily. I didn’t quite follow why this is supposedly going to be so easy, but it’s probably something to do with the Mites being rubbish. As I recall, on all their previous appearances, they’ve been easily overrun until He-Man and/or Mara got involved.

On this occasion though, things don’t even get that far. Critta’s Gleanon army doesn’t make it to the Mite capital before Mara detects her and intercepts. Pretty much the entirety of the rest of the episode comprises a non-too-exciting battle between the Mites and the Gleanons, which had me on the edge of my seat. I’d have preferred to be out of my seat entirely and doing something else, but the edge of my seat will have to do.

Mara: “Please, He-Man, take me back to Primus away from these oddbods.”

This tedious blather comes to a miserable conclusion when He-Man goes for a walk out in space (no space suit, in case you were wondering) and uses the ill-defined “power of the good” to shoot a laser beam which propels the meteor into a tunnel created by the Sorceress. The meteor emerges on the other side of the tunnel on Necron, where it conveniently destroys the Gleanon forces without hurting the Mites.

Critta and Mara finish up the episode by having a one-on-one duel, which consists largely of pulling each other’s hair and whipping one another. This comes to an end long after we’ve lost interest, but suffice it to say that Mara wins and Critta gets away.

Critta: “Your budget doesn’t stretch to a proper whip?”

In today’s adventure…

Oh, sweet Jesus. He-Man’s wittering about drugs again, as if he thought the message hadn’t gone in last week. I wonder why he’s suddenly on his high horse about it now. Maybe He-Man went on a massive bender after the events of Save Our City, but now he’s clean again, and is preaching his anti-drugs message with all the zeal of the newly converted.

Character checklist

This time, it’s mostly about Mara and Critta, but we also see Prince Adam, He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, the Sorceress, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, BH, Stackhorn, and the usual complement of Mites and Gleanons.

BH: “Are we being sidelined, do you think?”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

I wasn’t paying loads of attention at the transformation stage of this episode, but I’m pretty sure Adam didn’t say anything at all this week other than “By the Power of Eternia.”

Insults

The only insults we have this week are some pretty standard fare from Critta, who calls the Gleanons “fools” and tells Mara that she’s a “little fool”. This latter is only of any interest whatsoever if you stop to consider that Mara is actually bigger than Critta. Still not very interesting though, huh?

Does it have the Power?

It’s been a while since we’ve had an episode that was 100% drivel, and it wouldn’t have been a shame if the series had ended without another one. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a single redeeming feature of this instalment, which hits all the clichés of the series and steadfastly fails to add anything new to the mix. It’s a virtual repeat of Save Our City, but it’s far less enjoyable, probably because of the unwelcome appearance of the “Power of the Good” bollocks that means nothing and saps all the peril out of the story. Think about it: this whole situation was resolved by He-Man bellowing “I have the Power!” That’s all he had to do, and the Sorceress did the rest by using some hand-waving magic. That’s pretty much the definition of unsatisfactory plot resolution. In conclusion, unless you have a fervent desire to hear Mara and Critta grunting at each other, there’s absolutely nothing to recommend this episode.