Episode 58 – Queen’s Gambit

In which we get an unnecessary repeat of a pretty recent episode.

Two episodes ago, in Save Our City, I voiced the opinion that we’d seen the last of the Necron storyline. Now, as if to prove me wrong, it’s back, with a nice and implausible plan from Skeletor and Flogg. They’ve spent God knows how long chiselling a skull-shaped meteor out of incredibly hard rock, which they then launch in the direction of Primus. The Galactic Guardians are naturally concerned and head out in the Starship Eternia to destroy the meteor, which proves to be rather difficult.

He-Man: “Maybe if they hadn’t bothered making it into a skull shape, we’d have had even less time to prepare for it?”

While He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot are so occupied, Critta reorganises the Gleanons into an allegedly really good army, which will be capable of defeating the Mites easily. I didn’t quite follow why this is supposedly going to be so easy, but it’s probably something to do with the Mites being rubbish. As I recall, on all their previous appearances, they’ve been easily overrun until He-Man and/or Mara got involved.

On this occasion though, things don’t even get that far. Critta’s Gleanon army doesn’t make it to the Mite capital before Mara detects her and intercepts. Pretty much the entirety of the rest of the episode comprises a non-too-exciting battle between the Mites and the Gleanons, which had me on the edge of my seat. I’d have preferred to be out of my seat entirely and doing something else, but the edge of my seat will have to do.

Mara: “Please, He-Man, take me back to Primus away from these oddbods.”

This tedious blather comes to a miserable conclusion when He-Man goes for a walk out in space (no space suit, in case you were wondering) and uses the ill-defined “power of the good” to shoot a laser beam which propels the meteor into a tunnel created by the Sorceress. The meteor emerges on the other side of the tunnel on Necron, where it conveniently destroys the Gleanon forces without hurting the Mites.

Critta and Mara finish up the episode by having a one-on-one duel, which consists largely of pulling each other’s hair and whipping one another. This comes to an end long after we’ve lost interest, but suffice it to say that Mara wins and Critta gets away.

Critta: “Your budget doesn’t stretch to a proper whip?”

In today’s adventure…

Oh, sweet Jesus. He-Man’s wittering about drugs again, as if he thought the message hadn’t gone in last week. I wonder why he’s suddenly on his high horse about it now. Maybe He-Man went on a massive bender after the events of Save Our City, but now he’s clean again, and is preaching his anti-drugs message with all the zeal of the newly converted.

Character checklist

This time, it’s mostly about Mara and Critta, but we also see Prince Adam, He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, the Sorceress, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, BH, Stackhorn, and the usual complement of Mites and Gleanons.

BH: “Are we being sidelined, do you think?”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

I wasn’t paying loads of attention at the transformation stage of this episode, but I’m pretty sure Adam didn’t say anything at all this week other than “By the Power of Eternia.”

Insults

The only insults we have this week are some pretty standard fare from Critta, who calls the Gleanons “fools” and tells Mara that she’s a “little fool”. This latter is only of any interest whatsoever if you stop to consider that Mara is actually bigger than Critta. Still not very interesting though, huh?

Does it have the Power?

It’s been a while since we’ve had an episode that was 100% drivel, and it wouldn’t have been a shame if the series had ended without another one. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a single redeeming feature of this instalment, which hits all the clichés of the series and steadfastly fails to add anything new to the mix. It’s a virtual repeat of Save Our City, but it’s far less enjoyable, probably because of the unwelcome appearance of the “Power of the Good” bollocks that means nothing and saps all the peril out of the story. Think about it: this whole situation was resolved by He-Man bellowing “I have the Power!” That’s all he had to do, and the Sorceress did the rest by using some hand-waving magic. That’s pretty much the definition of unsatisfactory plot resolution. In conclusion, unless you have a fervent desire to hear Mara and Critta grunting at each other, there’s absolutely nothing to recommend this episode.

Episode 57 – The Power of the Good and the Way of the Magic

In which Master Sebrien is wrong again.

This title does not give me confidence, since the phrase “the Power of the Good and the Way of the Magic” has preceded most of the really annoying bits in this series when He-Man wins simply by being He-Man, rather than having to think about things or do anything. Still, as ever, I’m going to approach this episode with an open mind.

Prince Adam and Master Sebrien are sat about, having a lovely chat. Master Sebrien mentions that it’s been ages since the Mutants attacked, and voices the opinion that maybe the Mutants have opted to be peaceful instead. He’s wrong, as usual, since even now Flogg and Skeletor have hatched a plan to invade all the other planets in Primus’ solar system, with the intention of cutting off vital supplies and ultimately forcing Primus’ surrender.

Flogg: “So this is going to be different from your previous 56 plans how, exactly?”

Adam gets wind of this little scheme while the Mutants are attacking the planet Danzi, so he transforms into He-Man and heads off to Danzi with Flipshot and Ambassador Beamo. On arrival, they have a fight with various Mutant spaceships that seems to go on forever, but once that finally ends, they land the Starship Eternia inside the capital city of Midge, which is defended by an enormous dome.

Naturally, Skeletor finds a way to sneak into the city, and equally naturally, once he’s inside, he decides to attack He-Man in a one-on-one battle, because that’s never gone wrong before. With even less effort than usual, He-Man defeats Skeletor, and even finds time to come up with a fairly decent pun, which was appreciated.

He-Man: “Shall we dance?”

 

In today’s adventure…

Ooh, wow, that was random. Hydron and He-Man are watching Flipshot messing about on a hoverboard, so I thought we were heading for another wear-your-elbow-pads-and-knee-pads-and-helmet-and-suit-of-armour-whenever-you-leave-the-house moral, but no. Instead, He-Man suddenly remembers one of his old favourites – drugs. He solemnly intones that “you can have fun without drugs,” though his tone of voice makes it sound like it’s actually really difficult to do so. Flipshot then chimes in to point out that he wouldn’t be able to use the hoverboard if he were on drugs, which is ironic, since in the real world, the only way you can feel like you’re hoverboarding is if you are on drugs.

 

Character checklist

This time, we’ve got Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Beamo, Spinwit, Sagittar, Tuskador, Gleep, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Stackhorn, BH, Optik, that other Mutant whose name I don’t know, and all the inhabitants of Danzi.

Flipshot: “Find someone who looks at you the way Beamo looks at He-Man.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

It’s no excuse, but Adam does at least comment, “I’m afraid He-Man is needed.” I wonder why he’s so reluctant? Perhaps he knows, deep in his heart, that this incarnation of He-Man is a complete dick.

 

Insults

Flogg gets imaginative this week, telling Slush Head that he’s a “poor excuse for an aquarium”, which I thought was a pretty decent point. Stackhorn also tries something out of the ordinary, addressing the inhabitants of Danzi as “pencil-necked geeks”. I’m not sure about the geeks bit, but they definitely do have very thin necks, so I’ll let him get away with this one.

Flipshot: “Finally, I’ve found some people even less useful than me.”

 

Does it have the Power?

It seems my fears concerning the title weren’t necessary, since He-Man doesn’t win by the irritating Power of the Good, Way of the Magic means. On the other hand, the title seems to be completely irrelevant, unless I missed something. Putting that gripe aside, this episode doesn’t particularly stand out either way. It’s not bad but it’s not especially good either. There are some decent jokes, and the scene on which the episode ends is pretty amusing. I can’t shake the feeling, though, that it was ultimately pointless, even more so than watching He-Man normally is. Still, I can’t complain: there’s many worse episodes than this out there, and if nothing else, it’s worth watching for the scene in which Flipshot is training a bunch of new recruits, most of whom look like clones of Michael McIntyre.

Episode 56 – Save Our City

In which Mara and Critta prove far more interesting than He-Man and Skeletor.

We’re back on Necron again this week, and Critta’s still hanging out with the Gleanons, with another super plan to help the Gleanons defeat the Mites. She doesn’t specify exactly what the plan is, but General Niffle evidently thinks it’s a good one, since he feels confident enough to make Critta the Queen of the Gleanons – conditional upon the plan’s success. Being Queen of the Gleanons apparently involves putting on a new outfit, which consists of bra, pants, thigh-high boots, and a weird yellow hat.

Critta: “Ta-da! What do you think?”

Mara’s new ambassadorial posting evidently doesn’t involve a lot of work, since she too has taken the time to give herself a complete makeover. She’s opted for a funky new hairstyle, a very sensible latex leotard, and a large gold bracelet around her right thigh. It’s something of a departure from her previous outfit, but be that as it may, she quickly gets wind of Critta’s presence and calls home to Primus to request backup.

Before backup can arrive, however, Critta’s plan begins to unfold. The Gleanons – who have sensibly built their capital city in the crater of an active volcano – contact the Mites to request help because the volcano has begun to erupt. This, of course, is a complete falsehood, and to her credit, Mara is 99% sure it’s a trick. The remaining 1% of doubt, however, and the possibility that thousands of lives may be at risk, leads her to recommend that the Mites deploy their ships to help evacuate the Gleanons. The Mite leader, President Pel, agrees.

Never ones for subtlety, the Gleanons attack the Mite fleet the moment it arrives at the capital. Mara’s squadron puts up a valiant fight, but rather unfortunately, Critta manages to down Mara’s fighter, and Mara herself is captured and sent as a slave to the Gleanon mines, along with Vice-President Etor and a fair number of other Mites.

Mara: “I fear my new and rather less practical outfit isn’t going to serve me well in these mines.”

Luckily, He-Man is on the way, and we all know how quickly he can resolve problems like this. He shows up at the mines just as Mara and Etor have run into a spot of bother with their escape attempt, and once he’s on the scene, there’s no need to worry. Once he’s busted Mara and the other Mites out, they all go speeding off to the Mite capital, which is under attack from Critta and General Niffle.

Mara gets into a fight with Critta, while He-Man occupies himself with throwing General Niffle off the top of a very high building. This is enough to make the Gleanons sound the retreat signal, and they all scoot off, leaving the Mites to crown Mara queen. This means she gets a tacky golden crown to match her tacky leotard and tacky thigh bracelet.

He-Man: “Er, I helped too, you know. Perhaps I should be king?”

 

In today’s adventure…

Prince Adam and Mara treat us to a hilarious little skit in which Adam burns himself because he doesn’t check the temperature of the water before he puts his hands in. This little sequence is most notable for the appalling animation of Adam, who looks like he’s been endowed with a hefty pair of tits.

Prince Adam: “Not sure why I’m trying to shake hands with you.”

 

Character checklist

After last week’s extravaganza, we’ve got a pretty tight cast list today, featuring only Prince Adam, He-Man, Mara, President Pel, Vice-President Etor, Critta, General Niffle, and various Mites and Gleanons.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam is all alone in a room at transformation time, so he doesn’t see the need to give an excuse. I wonder if he’ll be more into excuses in the 2002 revival series, which is getting ever closer on the horizon, thank Christ.

 

Insults

General Niffle tells his Gleanon troops that they are “fools”, and describes the entire Mite race as “stupid Mites” and “fools”. Critta, meanwhile, refers to Mara as a “goody-goody” and a “weakling”, only one of which turns out to be true. You may try to guess which.

Critta: “I somehow don’t see this ending well for me.”

 

Does it have the Power?

This one’s a winner, and loath as I am to say it, it’s probably because Skeletor isn’t in it at all, and He-Man barely features. He-Man isn’t at all interesting in this series, and Skeletor’s not been holding my interest lately – whereas Mara and Critta are both very interesting characters, and these Mite and Gleanon stories are pretty decent, even if they do feel entirely disconnected from the normal He-Man universe. Unencumbered by irritating characters like the scientists, Flipshot, Master Sebrien and the Sorceress, this series feels like it’s come into its own in this setting. This episode regrettably had the air of finality about it, however, so I’ll be surprised if we return to Necron. Only time will tell.

Episode 55 – The Taking of Levitan

In which Flogg does some pointless cosplay.

The Mites are preparing to send their ambassador Beamo to Primus, and decide that they would also like to send a gift, as a gesture of goodwill. They consider the ideal gift to be Kog, an enormous robot that is susceptible to being reprogrammed and going into a destructive rage if Skeletor and Critta get anywhere near it. Naturally, that’s exactly what happens, though only after a lengthy dogfight between the forces of the Gleanons and the Mites, the latter of which are led by Mara.

Kog: “Shall I subvert expectations by not going crazy?”

Beamo and Kog arrive at Levitan, to be greeted by a welcome party of He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Gleep and Caz. I’d hardly call this collection the ideal diplomatic team – Flipshot in particular couldn’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag. But anyway, I suppose it gives them something to do and stops them causing trouble elsewhere.

Kog manages to endear himself to He-Man and all the inhabitants of Primus by helping out when Spinwit displays his customary incompetence and nearly crashes his plane into Levitan. Once everyone trusts Kog, the Mutants launch an attack on Primus from space, which is Kog’s cue to go bananas. His first move is to stand around yammering, “Must destroy Levitan,” which everyone else acknowledges as a bad thing, but no one does anything about it. He-Man simply stands there with his mouth hanging open gormlessly while Kog knocks down a wall.

He-Man: “A robot demolishing a wall? That’s completely unprecedented.”

But don’t worry, guys. He-Man gets his act together and puts in a slightly better performance a few minutes later. He and Kog have an epic showdown, until Beamo manages to cause Kog to short-circuit by appealing to his better nature. The sabotage is discovered, and Beamo reprograms Kog, who apologises for his disgraceful behaviour and then randomly flies off to help other people in other galaxies. In the meantime, Spinwit and a few nameless guys manage to repel the Mutant attack, which just goes to show the Mutants can’t have been trying that hard.

In today’s adventure…

He-Man patronisingly tells Beamo and Flipshot that he’s proud of them when he finds out they’re doing volunteer work. He then suggests that we too could do some volunteering, which I might do if I could guarantee that He-Man will come and tell me he’s proud of me too.

Character checklist

Goodness me, there’s a lot of people around today, including He-Man, Mara, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Spinwit, Sagittar, Artilla, Beamo, the Mite President, Caz, Gleep, Skeletor, Critta, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake, BH, Stackhorn, Kog, General Niffle, and various other Mites and Gleanons. For the sake of completeness, I should note that the episode also features a Mutant who has appeared several times over the series, but whose name I have never managed to get.

Master Sebrien: “Beamo, I don’t want to be rude, but do you think you might be able to take this demented robot off the planet?”

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam’s evidently worn out after actually managing to show up last week. He’s back to his usual evasive habits here, neither appearing nor being referenced. He-Man does still bellow “By the Power of Eternia! I have the Power!” for us though, at a random moment, just in case we felt we were missing out.

Insults

Early on, a Mite called Etor refers to the Gleanons as “riff-raff”. Otherwise, there’s only a slightly odd scene in which Flogg dresses up as an American football coach and tells an assembled crowd of Mutants that they are “poor excuse for Mutants”. Slush Head responds to this by dressing up as a cheerleader and doing a dance, which is something I really didn’t need to see.

Skeletor: “Flogg … I know we’ve flirted with insane outfits many times over the course of the series, but today you’ve really overstepped the mark.”

Does it have the Power?

It’s another of those episodes like No Easy Way that feels a bit aimless in the first half and then packed with plot in the second, but it’s far more successful than No Easy Way was, because the first half concentrates on building up the characters of Mara, Critta, and the Mites and the Gleanons. Mara’s back on Necron here, so I’m convinced that last week’s The Tornadoes of Zil should have taken place before Balance of Power; that way it all makes sense. Anyway, Mara takes command of the Mites in battle and demonstrates she’s got great leadership abilities, as well as being as good as any of the Galactic Guardians in a fight. She’s a great female role model, which this series really has been lacking.

Once we get to Primus, we’re treated to the familiar story of a robot going mental, which isn’t particularly gripping. This part of the story develops and is wrapped up all too quickly, without really giving us time to care. I imagine Kog’s departure at the end was meant to tug on our heartstrings, but we’d barely met him, so I don’t expect anyone shed a tear when he left. I’d also argue that The Taking of Levitan isn’t really an accurate name for this episode.

Bottom line: it’s enjoyable and entertaining, but it could and perhaps should have been better.