Episode 29 – He-Caz

In which Caz gains superpowers, which is as entertaining as it sounds.

I’m going to continue my newfound interest in judging an episode by its title, and comment that this one sounds ominous – though actually, in complete fairness, Caz hasn’t proved to be terribly annoying. I thought he’d be an infuriating Orko substitute, whereas in fact he’s nothing worse than a bit bland.

On the other hand, Caz begins the episode this week by being really irritating. He’s pretending to fight against Skeletor and the Mutants, when he slips and hurts his leg. Instead of healing him in the usual way, Meldock and Elcon decide to give Caz an experimental medical suit, which allows him to continue to live his normal life while the suit heals the injury. Unfortunately, they put too many energy crystals in the suit, which gives Caz super-strength and super-speed as well.

Meldock: “That’s a great suit, Caz. Take it from us. We have awesome fashion sense.”

Caz starts spending his time running round Primus saving people from danger, which is fine, but what’s not fine is Caz’s increasingly smug behaviour. It’s even less fine that he starts calling himself He-Man Junior. If this goes on, I’ll have to re-evaluate the statement I made at the start of this review and conclude that Caz is terribly annoying after all.

Eventually, Prince Adam and Master Sebrien catch up with Caz, decrease the power on his suit, and tell him to stick to being a shepherd and stop rescuing people. Adam and Sebrien are evidently not big believers in social mobility. But of course, by now, the damage is done. Skeletor has got wind of the alleged He-Man Junior and sets a trap for him; like an idiot, Caz takes the bait, steals a shuttlecraft, and flies out into space, where he is immediately captured and taken to Gorn City on Denebria.

Drissy: “Why didn’t I get a superpower suit?”

He-Man gathers the troops for a rescue: this time, the troops are Sagittar and that Egyptian dude seen a few times previously, whose name is here revealed as Tuskador. They reach Gorn City with relatively little incident, but once there, Skeletor springs his trap. This trap is very effective, because He-Man ends up imprisoned in a forcefield, but I can’t say for certain what the trap is, because it occurs off screen. Still, I’m sure it was very good.

Thanks to the usual magical bollocks, though, He-Man manages to release himself from the forcefield, and then there’s one of those long and tedious battles between the Mutants and the Galactic Guardians. No surprises for guessing who comes out on top. Once everyone’s safely back on Primus, they all have a good belly laugh at some completely innocuous statement, and the episode dribbles to an end.

Sagittar: “I am going to maintain such an impassive face that you’d think I haven’t even noticed there’s anyone else here.”

 

In today’s adventure…

Someone this week thought that children would appreciate a little lesson in the most ergonomic way to lift massive boxes. He-Man explains that you should always lift by kneeling, rather than bending down. Next time my boss suggests I do the Manual Handling training course, I shall say, “No, I don’t need to. I’ve seen He-Man.” I shall then probably be invited to find employment elsewhere.

 

Character checklist

The gang today is Prince Adam, He-Man, Caz, Drissy, Master Sebrien, Sagittar, Tuskador, Hydron, Flipshot, Meldock, Elcon, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Stackhorn and Quake. I thought I spotted another Mutant too, but I’m not sure.

Tuskador: “Hurrah! I got a name! It’s a stupid name, but I’m no longer a background extra!”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

As usual, there’s no excuse today.

 

Insults

Caz receives 60% of the insults today, being referred to as a “pint-sized hero” and a “puny kid” by Skeletor, and as a “shepherd brat” by Flogg. Skeletor also calls He-Man a “party pooper”, when He-Man attempts to leave Denebria, and Slush Head rounds things off by calling Sagittar and Tuskador “wimps”.

Flogg: “PILE ON!!!!”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Meldock and Elcon go above and beyond this week by undertaking what can only be described as an illegal medical experiment on Caz, by giving him the prototype medical suit when they know it’s not even close to being ready. Someone should report these two to the European Court of Human Rights.

Meldock: 22

Gepple: 15

Krax: 14

Elcon: 23

 

Does it have the Power?

Instinct is telling me to say, emphatically, that it doesn’t have the Power. My head is telling me that I shouldn’t be so harsh and that perhaps I’m expecting too much from this series. My instinct is asking my head what possible redeeming features this episode had, and my head isn’t able to answer. Therefore, I’m going to go with my instinct. This episode is rubbish. Don’t bother.

Episode 28 – Cold Freeze

In which Master Sebrien hasn’t planned ahead.

Ah, cold freeze. As opposed to all those hot freezes we’ve had lately. Christ, I’ve taken to snarking before I’ve even started watching. This can’t be a good sign. I’d better get on with it. We open with Master Sebrien explaining to Adam that every once in a while, one of Primus’ three suns freezes over while it regenerates, after which it emerges bright and hot again. This sounds incredibly dubious scientifically, but officially, I’ll overlook it on the basis that space is full of wonders, and we can never truly know what is possible on the great canvas of creation. Unofficially, I think it’s bollocks.

Anyway, the sun is now undergoing its regular freezing session, so Primus is getting colder. That explains why Adam is dressed in a duvet this week. Unfortunately, a duvet isn’t going to be enough; Master Sebrien goes on to explain that without the acquisition of more fuel, the Primans will be unable to survive this ice age. Seeing as this ice age business is evidently a predictable phenomenon, I rather feel that building up fuel supplies might have been advisable.

Prince Adam: “I have to say, Sebby old mate, you could have planned this one better.”

And now it’s over to that wacky Skeletor and his Mutant mates. These guys have been rather more intelligent and have a stockpile of transium ore, which will keep them warm throughout the freeze. Being a bit of a dick, Skeletor instantly gets on Skype to boast to He-Man about all the transium the Mutants have, and then offers to supply fuel to our heroes in return for accepting the Mutants as their overlords.

He-Man declines this kind offer, instead opting to stoop to petty criminality by taking Hydron, Flipshot and Sagittar to Gorn City on Denebria to steal the transium. Admittedly, he starts off by trying to buy it, but things very quickly degenerate into He-Man simply nicking it after a common street brawl with Skeletor. Still, He-Man has the nagging feeling that Skeletor let him win, and once back on Primus, it quickly transpires that the ore is fake. Other than wasting our heroes’ time, I really can’t see what Skeletor stood to gain from this little charade.

He-Man: “Hydron, don’t invite your weird were-bat friend out with us again.”

So we’re right back where we were before the irrelevant jaunt to Gorn City. I was worried that He-Man might decide to go back to Denebria and do the whole thing again, this time trying to nick some real transium, but luckily, he instead tries a new plan: flying the Starship Eternia up to the frozen sun and shattering its icy shell.

After an exciting dogfight with some Mutant ships, Team He-Man get stuck in a giant web which for some reason surrounds the frozen sun. The Starship Eternia is able to blast the ice from the sun, but cannot extricate themselves from the web, and find themselves being sucked straight into the sun. Clearly, this is a desperate situation calling for desperate measures, which is why He-Man decides to do a She-Ra and go out in space without any protective gear, where he receives some moronic and incomprehensible advice from the Sorceress.

The Sorceress: “I am joyfully and extravagantly mental.”

Guided by the Sorceress’ less than sane suggestion, He-Man extricates the Starship from the web. Don’t ask me how, because I don’t really know. We’ll instead skip to the bit where they all return to Primus, finding that light and heat has returned to their world, and they finish up by inflicting a spot of mindless and petty vengeance on Skeletor.

 

In today’s adventure…

It’s back to the theme of bicycles today, with Gepple and Elcon reminding us that we should always wear our helmets, especially if we are riding some sort of stupid flying bike contraption that Elcon’s put together.

 

Character checklist

This episode’s all about Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Sagittar, Elcon, Gepple, Krax, Meldock, the Sorceress, Caz, Drissy, Clawber, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Critta, Optik, Quake and Karate, as well as a fair number of background characters.

Optik: “Well pleased I got to come on the lads’ night out.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

As is becoming fairly habitual, no one bothers to give an excuse, seeing as no one ever particularly cares where Adam’s got to.

 

Insults

Skeletor describes Slush Head, Optik and another Mutant whose name temporarily escapes me as “miserable Mutants” and “incompetent imbeciles”, and He-Man refers to this same grouping as “rats”. Skeletor also calls He-Man a “phony”, which seems slightly off-topic, but okay.

 

Silence, Scientists!

Elcon and Gepple get the points this week, firstly earning one each for lulling us into a false sense of security by agreeing on something irrelevant, then erupting into a furious argument about something else irrelevant. Elcon gets another point for inventing a stupid machine and crowing about how amazing it is, while Gepple gets his second point for that tired old chestnut about being too scared to say the word “Mutant”.

Meldock: 21

Gepple: 15

Krax: 14

Elcon: 22

So Elcon’s taken the lead! This is, I think, largely because Meldock has been almost entirely silent for the last few episodes, but still. Silence is an approach which is also working for Krax. If only they’d all adopt it.

Elcon: “If we claim the transium ore was fake, they might not twig that we’re actually just incompetent.”

 

Does it have the Power?

I’d like to start with the observation that whenever Filmation He-Man and his mates went somewhere snowy, they never bothered putting on more clothes. I seem to recall that The Dragon’s Gift featured Teela whinging about being cold, which didn’t earn her any sympathy from me, since she was wearing only her usual stupid S&M leotard. It’s good to see that tradition continued here; though some characters put a few more clothes on, Drissy continues to wear her skimpy little dress, and Caz his linen T-shirt, despite them being up to their waists in snow.

That aside, this episode isn’t too bad for the most part. Though the science involved seemed a tad unrealistic, I liked the problem that our characters faced: if nothing else, it was good to get a plot that didn’t involve the failure of that beastly shield. Our baddies were also fun this week: Skeletor has taken to flirting with Critta, which was very amusing.

Skeletor: “Hey, Critta, can I take you to the Ritz and then the theatre tonight? No? How about next week? The week after that? Or the week after that?”

Where the episode really fell down was the end, with the nonsensical solution offered by the Sorceress. As far as I could tell, all He-Man had to do was shout, “By the Power of Eternia!” and then he was somehow able to cut the Starship out of the web. This wasn’t a satisfactory ending, basically just giving He-Man a random magical power that goes completely unexplained. It didn’t help that he was standing out in space at the time, so shouldn’t have been able to shout anything. Or breathe. Please, for the love of Christ, stop putting people in space without spacesuits. It’s mental.

Episode 27 – Council of Clones

In which Master Sebrien is an idiot.

It feels like Groundhog Day round here. The bloody shield around Primus is weakening – again – and there’s a lengthy and dull space battle between the Galactic Guardians and the Mutants. As the Mutants retreat, Skeletor launches a life pod containing a computer, in the secure knowledge that the Guardians will salvage it. Naturally, he’s right, otherwise it would be a very short episode, though from my point of view that wouldn’t be a particular problem.

Mara: “Did you really spend all your pocket money on that junk, He-Man?”

He-Man advises against bringing the computer back to Primus, but Master Sebrien overrules him in favour of letting the scientists examine the computer. Surprisingly quickly, the scientists determine that the computer is a cloning machine, and so Master Sebrien decides to use it to create clones of the Council. I should explain here that there’s an interesting sci-fi concept in play on Primus; the defensive shield is maintained by the power of the Council’s minds. We’ve known this for some time, but it’s never seemed relevant to a review, so I haven’t mentioned it previously. Anyway, Sebrien hopes that with lots of Council clones about, the shield can be restored to full power.

To literally no one’s surprise, the cloned Councillors turn out to be super evil. Well, they’re supposed to be evil, but their first act is to lock the scientists in a cupboard, which is arguably a good thing. So, are they evil or not? I’m confused. The next scene clears things up a bit: once the clones are installed in the Council Chamber, they put a forcefield up around the door, and then lower Primus’ shield to allow a Mutant attack.

Master Sebrien: “Don’t get your hopes up, viewers: these guys aren’t going to be available as action figures.”

Sagittar and someone else (it might have been Spinwit, but I wasn’t paying attention) set off in their fighter ships to battle the Mutants, while He-Man occupies himself trying to disrupt the forcefield around the Council Chamber. Once he lowers the forcefield temporarily, Master Sebrien enters and faces off against the clones. This is actually a surprisingly creepy scene, as the clones act like zombies, and the music is appropriately sinister.

Unfortunately, the Sorceress sees fit to get involved at this point, and imbues Master Sebrien with some stupid superpowers. I’m not really even sure what happens here, but it’s something to do with Sebrien absorbing all the clones’ power into his staff, then using the staff to weaken a shield around the cloning computer. He-Man is then able to destroy the computer, which makes all the clones disappear. For a grand finale, the real Council return, and restore the shield to full power.

He-Man: “Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault? Call our hotline now.”

 

In today’s adventure…

Gepple and Master Sebrien inform us that if we have an emergency, we should call 911. They are then at pains to remind us that getting your hand stuck in a jar does not count as a proper emergency. I genuinely don’t know what’s happening in the writers’ heads sometimes.

 

Character checklist

Possibly among others, this episode features He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara, Spinwit, Sagittar, the Sorceress, Caz, Gepple, Meldock, Elcon, Krax, Werben, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake, and the various clones.

Master Sebrien: “Get out of my bedroom, you bunch of creepers.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam doesn’t appear today, and is only mentioned briefly at the end, as part of the obligatory hilarious end-of-the-episode joke.

 

Insults

Skeletor succinctly encompasses everyone on Primus with a very casual use of his favourite word, “fools”. Beyond that, though, everyone’s very nice to each other.

Skeletor: “TBH, if anyone’s a fool round here, it’s this lummox.”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Meldock gets a point for getting his head stuck inside the computer. Admittedly, this doesn’t last very long and isn’t actually all that irritating, but I’m not feeling generous today. Elcon can also have a point, because of a strange moment when he appears to be wrapped in toilet roll for no very good reason. Later on, Elcon and Gepple also earn themselves a point each for being massively immature and sticking their tongues out at Slush Head. The scores therefore stand at:

Meldock: 21

Gepple: 13

Krax: 14

Elcon: 20

 

Does it have the Power?

Oh, I just don’t know anymore. It’s fine, insofar as these things go, but I can’t even pretend that I’d be watching it if it didn’t have the word ‘He-Man’ plastered all over it in the opening credits. Skeletor, as usual, is good fun, but virtually nothing else is, and I want to give Master Sebrien a massive slap for being a credulous fool and bringing the computer down to the planet in the first place. Let’s say it’s not appalling, but it’s certainly not great.

Episode 26 – Sanctuary

In which He-Man has performance issues.

In today’s irrelevantly titled episode, Skeletor and Flogg have built a massive laser cannon, so naturally the episode opens with Flipshot and Spinwit blowing it to smithereens within about 20 seconds. If only that were that, this episode would have been much more entertaining. As it is, the laser cannon’s debris begins to emit a mysterious gas, which begins to play havoc with the shield surrounding Primus. Noting this pleasing result, Skeletor converts the destroyed laser cannon into a factory, where he begins manufacturing the gas in bulk and wafting it toward Primus.

Spinwit: “How about a big thumbs-up for our awesomeness? Even if we are a bit out of focus.”

Master Sebrien sends Flipshot and the other Galactic Guardians out in the Starship Eternia to deal with the factory, while He-Man is despatched to deal with Slush Head, who has been sent down to Primus to lay the groundwork for the invasion. I don’t have a clue why Skeletor and Flogg would entrust a moron like Slush Head with this important task, but maybe they just want him off their ship for a while.

Slush Head and He-Man get into a bit of a barney, which comes to an ignominious end when He-Man’s sword gets struck by lightning. This didn’t bother him much in The Cat and the Spider (in fact, as I recall, he specifically wanted it to happen), but here, it knocks him for six. Slush Head is about to finish him off, but conveniently Skeletor summons him back to the mother ship, for no apparent reason.

Once Slush Head is gone, He-Man lapses back into Adam, and is found in his weakened state by Caz and Drissy. They take him to a cliff edge, in the demented belief that this would be better than a hospital, where they realise that he is in possession of He-Man’s sword and want to know why. Adam evades their questions – pretty poorly, I might add – until Master Sebrien arrives, allowing Adam the opportunity he needs to sneak off.

Prince Adam: “Just checking my make up.”

Unfortunately, when he tries to transform back into He-Man, the magic words don’t work, which is pretty damn disturbing, if you ask me. Master Sebrien concludes that this must be because of the gas and the lightning, and starts rabbiting about needing a powerful convergence of energy to restore the sword’s powers. I don’t think Master Sebrien really knows anything about this, to be honest, but his words are vague enough to cover pretty much any eventuality.

Adam and Master Sebrien go to the top of a mountain, where they recite some stupid psychobabble and use the power sword as a lightning rod. To no one’s surprise whatsoever, this reactivates the sword and Adam turns into He-Man. The episode concludes with He-Man throwing a big rock at Skeletor and Slush Head, while Flipshot and Spinwit manage the important task of blowing up the gas factory, after which there’s the obligatory hysterical laughing fit at a statement that isn’t in any way a joke.

He-Man: “Be honest, do I look like a complete fucking psychopath when I laugh?”

 

In today’s adventure…

He-Man and Flipshot embark on a ridiculously confused moral discussion about how good it is to fix engines, how good it is to keep yourself clean, and how bad it is to leave oily rags lying around because they’re a fire hazard. Okay, guys. Bit weird, but okay.

 

Character checklist

This little excursion to Primus features Prince Adam, He-Man, Flipshot, Spinwit, Master Sebrien, Caz, Drissy, Meldock, Gepple, Elcon, Krax, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, and Skeletor’s pet Kerr.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam says, “I wish I could say” when Drissy asks why he’s got He-Man’s sword. Drissy, bless her, doesn’t respond with “Well, why can’t you say?” like any sane person would.

 

Insults

It’s a pretty slow start on the insults front, but once we get going towards the middle of the episode, there’s some real zingers. Slush Head calls He-Man “He-Wimp”, which is probably rather galling, but Slush Head does get his comeuppance soon afterward when Skeletor calls him an “idiot” and a “Mutant mutton-head”.

Slush Head: “Not sure what’s come over me, but I’m unexpectedly threatening today.”

There follows a scene in which Drissy manages to turn Kerr against the Mutants, leading to Skeletor calling Kerr a “traitorous little monster” and to Slush Head calling him a “stupid mutt”. We’re also lucky enough to witness a Filmation-like monster this week, a creature that looks like a cross between a bear and a rhino and is accordingly called a “hairy hybrid” by Skeletor.

 

Silence, Scientists!

At a very early stage, Elcon and Krax each make a strong case for being the Most Annoying Character In All Of Fiction Ever, by bickering over what they think is causing the deterioration in the shield, so they can have a point each for that. Thereafter, the scientists disappear from the episode entirely, thank Christ.

Meldock: 20

Gepple: 12

Krax: 14

Elcon: 18

Flipshot: “Quick, Spinwit, let’s shoot them while Master Sebrien’s back is turned.”

 

Does it have the Power?

This one’s pretty disappointing, and it’s a real shame, because there’s a really interesting idea in there: what would happen if the power sword malfunctioned? The episode throws us this unusual plot device (which I can only recall previously seeing in She-Ra’s The Stone in the Sword), but then frustratingly does nothing with it, except coming up with some pseudo-scientific bollocks about how to get the power back. There’s no exploration of possible implications, and the whole sequence lasts only about 5 minutes, if that. It’s a real waste of potential.

Otherwise, it’s average and even a bit tedious, unfortunately. I’m getting bored of the plotline about the shield falling, which seems to crop up all too often, and frankly I can’t really understand what the shield is achieving anyway, since Skeletor and the Mutants seem to be able to tool around on Primus whenever they jolly well please. Ultimately, I’d say this episode is maybe worth watching so you can bemoan the squandered possibilities, but if you’re not a fan of getting wound up, I’d probably avoid it.

Episode 25 – Planet of Junk

In which Skeletor arranges an interstellar circus.

After a vicious dogfight with the self-styled Galactic Guardians, the Mutant mother ship is forced to land on a desolate asteroid to make repairs. By good fortune, this asteroid happens to be the junkyard of an advanced alien civilisation, and Skeletor and co. waste no time attempting to reactivate the ancient technology – especially the weapons. Unfortunately, their efforts prove to be in vain, but they do discover a device that allows its user to alter their appearance. Seemingly for their own entertainment, Skeletor and Flogg unexpectedly make themselves look like crocodiles, before getting back to business.

Flogg: “Give me that remote control, Skeletor. And make it snappy.”

Their next step is to set up a space-faring circus company and land on Primus pretending to be performers, using the image-alteration device to disguise themselves. I honestly think they only do this because they think it’s funny, since they abandon the disguise almost immediately, in favour of kidnapping the scientists. With this achieved, the Mutants return to the asteroid and set the scientists to work repairing the ancient weapons.

While the other scientists work, Gepple surreptitiously contacts He-Man to give their location, which brings our heroes charging to the rescue. Unfortunately, repairs on some of the weapons are now complete, allowing Skeletor to entertain himself trying to shoot down the Galactic Guardians’ ships. This is unsuccessful, of course, and our heroes land, treating themselves to an energetic hand-to-hand battle with the Mutants. I’ve never seen He-Man look more like a street thug than he does in this fight.

He-Man: “Thug? Me? Say that again and I’ll smash your face in.”

Skeletor and the Mutants eventually gain the upper hand, and bundle He-Man into one of the newly repaired technological devices. Gepple assures Skeletor that this device will drain all the power from a living being, but this is a clever bluff. Instead, the machine drains the strength of anyone standing near it, and that just happens to include all the baddies and none of the goodies. With this reversal in fortunes achieved, our heroes rescue the scientists, blow up all the alien technology, and depart.

 

In today’s adventure…

Adam and Sagittar helpfully inform us of the best steps to take to avoid our bikes being nicked by Skeletor and the Mutants. I’ve had my bike for 20 years now, and frankly, if Skeletor did nick it, he’d be doing me a favour by saving me the trouble of getting rid of it myself.

Adam: “Sagittar, you look nice and sane today.”

 

Character checklist

Well whoop-de-do, it’s Prince Adam, He-Man, Sagittar, Artilla, Icarus, Gepple, Meldock, Elcon, Krax, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Quake and Stackhorn.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam’s on his own, just making his way to the circus, when he realises that He-Man is required. He thus ducks out of sight and doesn’t waste his time making excuses.

 

Insults

It’s a bad day for Slush Head, who gets called a “coward”, an “idiot” and “stupid” in rapid succession by Flogg. He’s also included in Skeletor’s description of the Mutants in general as “idiotic” and “clowns”. Otherwise, it’s the scientists who come off badly: Skeletor refers to all four of them as “cowardly scientists”, Flogg calls Gepple a “little egghead”, and Stackhorn calls the other three “nerds”. Finally, Gepple indulges himself in an uncharacteristic outburst of viciousness by calling Krax an “amoeba-brain”.

Gepple: “It’s a worrying moment when I’m the most sensible person in the room.”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Despite focussing on the scientists quite heavily, they don’t do anything dreadfully infuriating. Both Gepple and Elcon can have a point for stammering ridiculously when they try to say “Mutants”, and Krax and Meldock get one for nearly blowing themselves up with an alien device. However, I’m also going to reward them all by taking a point away from them, because they all sabotage the devices they’ve been working on, actually demonstrating the character trait of ‘bravery’ rather than ‘annoying’ for once. Consequently, the scores remain as last week, at:

Meldock: 20

Gepple: 12

Krax: 13

Elcon: 17

 

Does it have the Power?

It’s certainly got a sense of humour, with some excellent lines given to Skeletor, and also to Slush Head, surprisingly. (Admittedly, there are also some appalling lines given to Slush Head, just to balance things out.) The plot is incredibly simplistic, but I did like the discovery of an alien junkyard, with the implication that it’s a big, mysterious galaxy, with many treasures just waiting to be found.

All in all, it’s an entertaining episode that doesn’t go wrong, and I can’t help but applaud it for including what I’m choosing to interpret as a passive-aggressive swipe at She-Ra: the scientists tell Skeletor that “space is a vacuum, and it’s very cold. It’s freezing, and there’s no air. And humans need air to breathe.” Yeah, She-Ra. So stop going out into space without a suit.