Episode 59 – There’s Gems in Them Hills

In which He-Man and Flipshot play fancy dress.

He-Man and the Galactic Guardians begin proceedings this week by capturing some green aliens identified as intergalactic renegades, and handing them over to Meliak, the Sheriff of Gorn City. Meliak locks the aliens up, but it doesn’t take long for Skeletor and the Mutants to show up and bust them out. Skeletor then informs the aliens that there are vast deposits of gemstones on Primus, in the hope that the aliens will attack Primus to get their hands on these non-existent gems.

He-Man: “Now, Meliak, can I trust you to keep these baddies locked up? Can I buggery.”

Alerted to the jailbreak, He-Man takes Flipshot, Artilla and Beamo to Denebria to try to recapture the aliens. Unfortunately, once they arrive, they find that Skeletor has stirred up the entire city with tales of the thousands of rhondial gems on Primus, with the result that all the townspeople are ready to fly to Primus to try to get a cut.

He-Man and Flipshot infiltrate the crowd wearing some rubbish disguises. He-Man in particular reminded me of Tom Cruise in Top Gun. On the other hand, it’s been 19 years since I last saw Top Gun, so it’s possible my memory is playing tricks on me. Anyway, they are swiftly unmasked and are forced to run away back to their ships, without having achieved a dicky bird.

Flipshot: “He-Man, we’re supposed to be incognito. Skeletor’s going to notice if you keep making the ‘wanker’ sign at him.”

In the meantime, Artilla is ambushed by bounty hunters, who inform him that his presence is required by a mysterious Great One. He is incapacitated and bundled into a ship which will take him home, but luckily – and probably rather embarrassingly – he is saved by Beamo, who manages to steal a gun and come rolling to the rescue. There’s every chance that this storyline is simply killing time, but the reference to the Great One is sufficiently interesting that I thought I’d better mention it in case it becomes relevant in a later episode.

Once Artilla and Beamo have finished escaping, they come barrelling along to save He-Man and Flipshot, who have been cornered at the space port. Beamo saves the day again, informing the alien renegades that the rhondial gems are actually on Moon Nordor, which comfortably diverts the aliens away from Primus. As a reward for his bravery and cunning, He-Man enlists Beamo into the ranks of the Galactic Guardians, and they finish the episode by standing around bellowing like halfwits.

Flipshot: “Don’t worry, He-Man, we won’t tell anyone if you flatten Beamo.”

In today’s adventure…

Jesus, it’s like being in a time warp here. He-Man and Flipshot – yet again – are blathering on about drugs. This time, we even get a crash course in how to identify dope dealers, and surprisingly, they do not necessarily look like short green aliens dressed in evil-looking cloaks. Why in the seven hells are we getting so many rabid drugs warnings? Was there genuinely a drugs epidemic sweeping the USA’s five year olds in 1991? I have my doubts.

Character checklist

Today’s outing features Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Hydron, Flipshot, Artilla, Beamo, Meliak, Skeletor, Flogg, Critta, Slush Head, BH, Quake, Stackhorn, Optik, the big green aliens, and the bounty hunters.

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam makes his transformation in the presence of Master Sebrien, which – as usual – means he doesn’t have to concern himself with an excuse.

Prince Adam: “Tell me, Master Sebrien, did anyone ever ask who I am and what I’m doing here?”

Insults

The boss of the big green aliens refers to Flipshot as He-Man’s “puny friend”, but don’t worry – he later gets his comeuppance when Beamo tells him that he is “dumb” and a “dunce”. Flogg is also kind enough to inform all the renegades that they are “good-for-nothing”.

Does it have the Power?

It’s so weird how this series can veer from downright appalling to hugely entertaining in the space of two episodes, especially when both episodes are written by the same guy. After last time’s complete washout, we move on here to a really enjoyable action adventure, which sparkles with some great dialogue. The story moves along at a fair old clip, everyone gets something to do, and we’re subtly introduced to a potentially interesting back story for Artilla. He-Man isn’t annoying and doesn’t save the day with a deus ex machina – in fact, he doesn’t save the day at all. Beamo has the potential to be very irritating, but he isn’t in the slightest, which is a testament to the writing and the voice acting. And everyone’s favourite villain, Skeletor, is back on form with some extremely cutting sarcasm. What’s not to like?

Episode 31 – The Galactic Guardians

In which we learn who we should be buying at the toy shop.

Our heroes are out on a camping trip today, and Flipshot is being a tosser. The others throw some fish at him, then settle down around the campfire to reminisce about how they all became the Galactic Guardians. The episode then becomes a flashback, but as I learned when I wrote my review for Enchanted Castle, I’m not very good at summarising episodes that work as flashbacks, so I’m just going to do it in the present tense.

Flipshot: “Guys… I’ve haddock enough of this, it’s not the time or the plaice.”

Apparently, orbiting in the far reaches of Primus’ solar system is a huge tanker full of poisonous gas, a relic from some old conflict called the Chemical Wars. After many years, the tanker’s navigational system is beginning to break down, so a crack team is assembled to board the tanker and reprogram it. The team consists of He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Gepple and Krax; they also take Sagittar, Tuskador, Spinwit and Artilla, for all of whom it is their first mission.

A whole load of absolutely nothing happens for the next ten minutes or so, while He-Man and the team deal with a wide range of tedious threats. The only notable thing from this part of the episode is that He-Man reveals the heretofore unsuspected skill of being able to put his arm through solid objects. In his defence, he does this because he needs to get his power sword outside the ship, but is well aware that he can’t survive in space. Unfortunately, in attempting to avoid winding me up with that old chestnut, he instead winds me up by doing something equally impossible.

He-Man: “I’m acting like a ghost without doing you the courtesy of being dead.”

After what seems like a million years, He-Man and his crowd of no-hopers make it to the tanker’s bridge, where Gepple and Krax repair the guidance systems and return the tanker to its original orbit. As a grand finale, He-Man and the entire team go for a walk in space, without protective gear, despite the fact that earlier in this episode He-Man seemed fully aware of the fact that this would get them all killed.

The episode finishes by cutting back to the campfire, and all our heroes laugh their idiot heads off as they remember this story. I couldn’t see anything funny about it, so I’m forced to conclude that they’ve all taken leave of their senses entirely.

Sagittar: “With hilarious material like this, it’s a wonder we’re not at the Edinburgh Festival every year.”

 

In today’s adventure…

Hydron and Flipshot advise us that we should always put our tools away. Frankly, based on this week’s adventure, I’d argue that Hydron and Flipshot are tools, and I’d like them to be put away.

 

Character checklist

The guys today are Prince Adam, He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Sagittar, Tuskador, Spinwit, Artilla, Gepple, Krax, Gleep, Skeletor, Flogg, Slush Head, Critta and Optik. Write all those names down, because you’ll need to remember them when you go and buy the action figures that this episode is so desperate to sell.

He-Man: “Hydron, you don’t have to smile, but could you at least face the camera for our team photo?”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

We come close to an excuse of sorts today; He-Man is supposed to join the Galactic Guardians before the mission begins, but isn’t present. Flipshot asks where he is, and Hydron replies that Adam is talking to Master Sebrien to find out “what’s holding him up”. Naturally, Adam isn’t doing anything of the sort – he’s hiding in a warehouse shrieking about having the Power of Eternia.

 

Insults

Nothing much to report here, the only unkind comment being Skeletor calling Flogg “Mutant mush”.

 

Silence, Scientists!

Gepple is a little bit too excitable this week, with panicked shrieks every few minutes, so I’m going to award him a point for his general demeanour. He can also have a second point for doing the stammering thing when he’s trying to say “Mutants”, which really is unbelievably annoying.

Meldock: 22

Gepple: 17

Krax: 14

Elcon: 23

He-Man: “So, today I’m going to be putting someone out the airlock. Will it be Krax or Gepple? Who can say?”

 

Does it have the Power?

This is one of the worst 20 minutes of television I’ve ever sat through. And I’ve seen The Notebook. This was worse even than that. It boils down to nothing more than a 20 minute advert for the action figures of Sagittar, Spinwit, Tuskador and Artilla; there’s huge chunks of the episode given over entirely to demonstrating their powers, which could hardly have been less subtle if it had concluded with a big voiceover pronouncing, “Available in Toys R Us now!” The storyline, such as there is, is dull and tedious, when it’s not being irritating or implausible. Take it from me: you really don’t need to bother watching this. Nobody should ever have to watch this.

Episode 21 – Skeletor’s Revenge

In which Skeletor tries to derail a tram.

At the unveiling of a new supercomputer, Master Sebrien explains proudly that the computer links all of Primus’ systems – including the defensive shield – into one network. I am sure that I can’t be the only one who thinks that’s a bad idea. If Skeletor manages to hack one system, he’ll have control of them all. I’m going to award myself another bag of Fruit Pastilles if that’s what happens in this episode.

And it’s another bag of Fruit Pastilles for me. The next scene introduces a gentleman called Micros, a computer hacker working for Skeletor. He creates a “computer creature” called an Argazoid, and introduces it into the supercomputer’s system. Naturally, it immediately begins causing chaos by hijacking a bus, prompting He-Man’s speedy intervention. (It also prompts some appalling animation of He-Man running along a large glass tubeway, so badly that it looks like he’s running backwards.)

He-Man: “I am running forwards! I am!”

With the immediate crisis averted, Master Sebrien realises how stupid it is to network every single computer system together. He doesn’t, however, suggest simply turning the supercomputer off and downgrading to the previous computers. That would be too sensible. Instead, they decide to rip off the plot to Day of the Machines by converting He-Man, Gepple, Elcon and a new boy called Artilla into digital signals and beaming them into the computer to capture the Argazoid.

Rather surprisingly, Elcon manages to neutralise the Argazoid very quickly – which is lucky, because the Argazoid is given to shrieking “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah” and is thus really annoying. Unfortunately, before its capture, the Argazoid has already managed to sabotage the shield, allowing Skeletor, Flogg and the other Mutants to land on Primus and take over.

Artilla: “Rather surprisingly, I feel like I’m the best dressed person here.”

Skeletor extracts Elcon and Gepple from the computer, but decides the most intelligent thing to do is to leave He-Man on it. Personally, I’d have burned He-Man to CD and then snapped the CD in half, but maybe Skeletor’s getting round to that. Anyway, for whatever reason, with He-Man and Artilla still inside the computer, they for no readily apparent reason opt to team up with the Argazoid to effect an escape.

This is achieved by the Argazoid turning the computer systems against Skeletor, and playing all sorts of amusing tricks on him. How we laughed as robots started throwing mud at Skeletor. How we chortled as mechanical arms grabbed Flogg and Micros. How the tears of mirth streamed down our cheeks as Micros himself was digitised and sucked into the computer. The hilarity only stops when Skeletor realises the whole invasion is a write-off, and he and Flogg make their escape.

Skeletor: “Run away!”

The scientists reverse the digitisation process, and He-Man and Artilla emerge from the computer, much to Mara’s apparent delight, who eyes He-Man with ill-concealed lust. The Argazoid is left inside with Micros, who is set to work repairing the computer systems that were damaged in the hacking. Then, for no particular reason, everyone starts clapping as the episode mercifully fades to black.

 

In today’s adventure…

Gleep instructs one of his idiot robot friends about the correct way to cross the road. I suppose a lesson on the importance of not over-relying on one computer system would be too much to ask.

 

Character checklist

Today’s selection includes Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara, Artilla, Elcon, Gepple, Gleep, Skeletor, Flogg, Micros, the Argazoid, and I’m pretty sure I spotted Slush Head at one point. There are also very brief appearances for lots of locked up goodies, including Meldock, Krax, Hydron, Flipshot, Sagittar, that tusked dude from The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword, and possibly Spinwit.

Tusky: “Just biding my time until the right moment to be introduced properly.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam’s on his own this week when he needs to transform, so reasonably enough he doesn’t mess about explaining himself to people who aren’t there.

 

Insults

Skeletor obviously enjoyed his confrontation with Dukan last week, since he recycles the insult of “old-timer” for use on Master Sebrien. He also addresses He-Man as his “erstwhile enemy”, which is alliteratively pleasing, if not particularly insulting.

Skeletor: “Just popping along for a quick gloat. Don’t mind me.”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Jesus, when will the writers realise these guys aren’t funny? Elcon and Gepple earn themselves a point each within 30 seconds of the episode’s start by repeating that tiresome old bickering about who’s invented something. They also get another point each at the end for fighting over who gets to undigitise He-Man. So the scores now stand at:

Meldock: 19

Gepple: 12

Krax: 13

Elcon: 17

 

Does it have the Power?

It’s like a slightly more plausible but somewhat less entertaining remake of Day of the Machines. The plot is basically the same, but a little bit more time is spent on explaining how He-Man gets into the computer; as I recall, in Day of the Machines, he simply shrinks himself and walks in, whereas this time he actually converts himself into digital energy, which is far saner. Making the conceit a bit more realistic doesn’t help to make the story more enjoyable, though it has to be said that this episode doesn’t adopt the overly earnest tone that this series sometimes has. I’m happy to describe this one as a reasonably successful episode, though I do have to wonder why it’s called Skeletor’s Revenge.