Episode 21 – Skeletor’s Revenge

In which Skeletor tries to derail a tram.

At the unveiling of a new supercomputer, Master Sebrien explains proudly that the computer links all of Primus’ systems – including the defensive shield – into one network. I am sure that I can’t be the only one who thinks that’s a bad idea. If Skeletor manages to hack one system, he’ll have control of them all. I’m going to award myself another bag of Fruit Pastilles if that’s what happens in this episode.

And it’s another bag of Fruit Pastilles for me. The next scene introduces a gentleman called Micros, a computer hacker working for Skeletor. He creates a “computer creature” called an Argazoid, and introduces it into the supercomputer’s system. Naturally, it immediately begins causing chaos by hijacking a bus, prompting He-Man’s speedy intervention. (It also prompts some appalling animation of He-Man running along a large glass tubeway, so badly that it looks like he’s running backwards.)

He-Man: “I am running forwards! I am!”

With the immediate crisis averted, Master Sebrien realises how stupid it is to network every single computer system together. He doesn’t, however, suggest simply turning the supercomputer off and downgrading to the previous computers. That would be too sensible. Instead, they decide to rip off the plot to Day of the Machines by converting He-Man, Gepple, Elcon and a new boy called Artilla into digital signals and beaming them into the computer to capture the Argazoid.

Rather surprisingly, Elcon manages to neutralise the Argazoid very quickly – which is lucky, because the Argazoid is given to shrieking “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah” and is thus really annoying. Unfortunately, before its capture, the Argazoid has already managed to sabotage the shield, allowing Skeletor, Flogg and the other Mutants to land on Primus and take over.

Artilla: “Rather surprisingly, I feel like I’m the best dressed person here.”

Skeletor extracts Elcon and Gepple from the computer, but decides the most intelligent thing to do is to leave He-Man on it. Personally, I’d have burned He-Man to CD and then snapped the CD in half, but maybe Skeletor’s getting round to that. Anyway, for whatever reason, with He-Man and Artilla still inside the computer, they for no readily apparent reason opt to team up with the Argazoid to effect an escape.

This is achieved by the Argazoid turning the computer systems against Skeletor, and playing all sorts of amusing tricks on him. How we laughed as robots started throwing mud at Skeletor. How we chortled as mechanical arms grabbed Flogg and Micros. How the tears of mirth streamed down our cheeks as Micros himself was digitised and sucked into the computer. The hilarity only stops when Skeletor realises the whole invasion is a write-off, and he and Flogg make their escape.

Skeletor: “Run away!”

The scientists reverse the digitisation process, and He-Man and Artilla emerge from the computer, much to Mara’s apparent delight, who eyes He-Man with ill-concealed lust. The Argazoid is left inside with Micros, who is set to work repairing the computer systems that were damaged in the hacking. Then, for no particular reason, everyone starts clapping as the episode mercifully fades to black.

 

In today’s adventure…

Gleep instructs one of his idiot robot friends about the correct way to cross the road. I suppose a lesson on the importance of not over-relying on one computer system would be too much to ask.

 

Character checklist

Today’s selection includes Prince Adam, He-Man, Master Sebrien, Mara, Artilla, Elcon, Gepple, Gleep, Skeletor, Flogg, Micros, the Argazoid, and I’m pretty sure I spotted Slush Head at one point. There are also very brief appearances for lots of locked up goodies, including Meldock, Krax, Hydron, Flipshot, Sagittar, that tusked dude from The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword, and possibly Spinwit.

Tusky: “Just biding my time until the right moment to be introduced properly.”

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam’s on his own this week when he needs to transform, so reasonably enough he doesn’t mess about explaining himself to people who aren’t there.

 

Insults

Skeletor obviously enjoyed his confrontation with Dukan last week, since he recycles the insult of “old-timer” for use on Master Sebrien. He also addresses He-Man as his “erstwhile enemy”, which is alliteratively pleasing, if not particularly insulting.

Skeletor: “Just popping along for a quick gloat. Don’t mind me.”

 

Silence, Scientists!

Jesus, when will the writers realise these guys aren’t funny? Elcon and Gepple earn themselves a point each within 30 seconds of the episode’s start by repeating that tiresome old bickering about who’s invented something. They also get another point each at the end for fighting over who gets to undigitise He-Man. So the scores now stand at:

Meldock: 19

Gepple: 12

Krax: 13

Elcon: 17

 

Does it have the Power?

It’s like a slightly more plausible but somewhat less entertaining remake of Day of the Machines. The plot is basically the same, but a little bit more time is spent on explaining how He-Man gets into the computer; as I recall, in Day of the Machines, he simply shrinks himself and walks in, whereas this time he actually converts himself into digital energy, which is far saner. Making the conceit a bit more realistic doesn’t help to make the story more enjoyable, though it has to be said that this episode doesn’t adopt the overly earnest tone that this series sometimes has. I’m happy to describe this one as a reasonably successful episode, though I do have to wonder why it’s called Skeletor’s Revenge.

Episode 20 – Fading Star

In which Skeletor obligingly plays cowboys with some old dude.

Primus receives a distress call on an ancient frequency, so He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot take the Starship Eternia out to investigate. They find a very old spaceship, containing a stasis pod – inside which is a dude called Dukan, a cowboy hero from Primus’ relatively recent past. He-Man and Hydron rescue Dukan just in time, since Skeletor and Flogg show up and blow the spaceship to smithereens. On learning that he has failed to destroy He-Man as well, Skeletor inexplicably erupts into paroxysms of demented laughter, which goes on for a good 15 seconds too long.

The scientists and Master Sebrien revive Dukan, at which point it emerges that Dukan and Sebrien are old mates from way back. Nonetheless, Sebrien assigns Adam the task of reacquainting Dukan with Primus, which just goes to show how pleased he is to have his friend back. Giving Adam this job is also a little odd; surely someone native to Primus would be a better pick?

Master Sebrien: “Great to see you again, Dukan. Now, why don’t you piss off with Adam for a while?”

Adam doesn’t take his job very seriously; the very next scene shows that he’s abandoned Dukan with Caz and some other kids. Dukan tells stories of his past, swiftly proving to be an arrogant moron, and then develops the stupid idea of attempting one last heroic venture: defeating Skeletor. I’m going to make a bet with myself at this stage: if the remainder of the episode features Dukan failing to beat Skeletor and requiring rescue from He-Man, I will buy myself a big bag of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles.

I feel entirely justified in ending this review right here, right now, by simply saying that I am off to Sainsbury’s for the Fruit Pastilles. If you want further details, I’ll briefly summarise by saying there’s a stupid cowboy gunfight, in which Skeletor cheats (surprise, surprise), after which He-Man, Hydron and Flipshot intervene to both save the day and make Dukan feel good about himself again. I wish I could summon up enough enthusiasm to type “hurrah”, but I just can’t.

 

In today’s adventure…

Before laughing in an entirely insane way, Meldock and Caz lecture the audience on the importance of getting a balanced diet, which should include “protein, grain, fruit and vegetables”. But what about Fruit Pastilles?

Caz: “Answers on a postcard, please.”

 

Character checklist

This fairly well-populated episode involves Prince Adam, He-Man, Hydron, Flipshot, Master Sebrien, Mara, Caz, Drissy, Dukan, Meldock, Elcon, Gepple, Krax, Gleep, Skeletor, Flogg and Slush Head.

 

Excuse given for Prince Adam’s disappearance

Adam ushers Drissy and Caz out of the room at the beginning of the episode, saying, “You go on ahead,” before transforming into He-Man.

 

Insults

This episode hits as many cowboy clichés as it can, and a large part of that is regular nonsensical insults. Consequently, I think we may have a new record for number of insults. Dukan is the main perpetrator of these. Starting relatively sedately with calling Caz a “varmint”, he swiftly moves on to refer to Skeletor as a “bag of buzzard bones”, a “varmint” and a “lying sidewinder”, before describing He-Man as a  “young whippersnapper” and Gleep as his “bucket-of-bolts-buckeroo”.

Skeletor: “At least I’m getting into the spirit of this.”

Skeletor retaliates strongly, addressing Dukan as “Grandpa”, an “old-timer”, a “crazy old fool” and a “walking antique” in rapid succession. Caz describes Dukan as a “phoney” and Skeletor as the “most evil, rotten, no-good villain in the whole universe”, while Skeletor refers to He-Man as a “goody two shoes”. In terms of imagination, however, Skeletor rather lets the side down by telling Flogg and the other Mutants that they are “fools”.

 

Silence, Scientists!

Aside from a very minor role for Meldock in the moral segment, the scientists show admirable restraint today by appearing but not speaking. They are thus absolutely perfect. I wish other characters this week had had a similar attitude toward speaking.

Adam: “If any one of you four says a single word, I will murder you.”

 

Does it have the Power?

I’m half wondering about starting a new section to detail the number of things in this series borrowed from Star Trek: The Next Generation, which was airing around about the same time. Just this week, there’s at least one thing, and three if you want to be pedantic and geeky, which I do. Firstly, Caz and Drissy have a holodeck at the start of the episode. Secondly, Dukan has a laser whip, just like the Ferengi do in their first appearance, The Last Outpost. Thirdly, and perhaps most unfairly, the episode A Fistful of Datas unnecessarily adopted a Western setting, just like this episode does. (That latter one is unfair because A Fistful of Datas didn’t air until 1992 or 1993, two or three years after The New Adventures of He-Man finished.)

Otherwise, I’m at a loss as to whether to describe this episode as predictable and boring, or massively irritating. Both apply to one degree or another. It’s predictable in terms of plot and Dukan’s characterisation, but I think it’s irritating that wins out: the cowboy theme pasted onto this episode is just incredibly grating. Either way you want to look at it, though, it’s not a winner.